


MAZ

by Melodielgrace



Series: MAZ [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Nipple Piercings, needle warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-04-28 03:44:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14440737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melodielgrace/pseuds/Melodielgrace
Summary: Warning: TORTURE, BLOOD, GORE





	1. Emoni McLaris: The Unconventional Rebel

Chapter One:  
Emoni McLaris: The Unconventional Rebel

Monday the 6th of March 2037:

“Omg no way! Really? That’s so awesome man I can’t believe it! Ok well congrats and all but I’ve gotta go get back to work and stuff, yeah, okay byeee talk to ya later!” My ‘sista gurl’ Ruby hangs up her phone, closes her eyes as she takes in a long slow breath, and screams out in frustration.    

“You right? Can we continue? I’m already nervous enough I don’t need anything else right now.” I’m in a hurry to get to Bell’s Body Beauty, the only beauty place in Rivertown that does nipple piercings. It’s my 18th birthday today, so I’m spoiling myself, considering my parents think sending me off on school camp is a great gift. 4 days with over 100 disgusting and stupid teenagers in close quarters, nuh-uh.

“Sooooo, that was Fin, Saph had the baby this morning! Yay!” she says with utter disgust. Sapphire Briac used to be thought of as the school slut, although I guess not anymore because she dropped out like 2 years ago. Ruby’s ‘man’s ex just gave birth to what everyone thinks is his baby. Fin, thinking he’s been told the truth, has promised to help raise it. We’ll see how long that lasts. Damn, I pay more attention than I thought.

“I don’t get it, Rube. Everyone knows he cheated on her with you, what makes you think he won’t do the same to you? Fin Astin is a dinkus and you know it.”

“Oh, E. I know he won’t because…. because Fin loves me. And I, well I love him too. It’s real. I’ve never had anything realer.”

Is she serious? “Love isn’t real. It’s bullshit. And even if you’re totally sure of it, you can be totally sure he’s not loyal. At least not as long as a nude lasts.”  Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t’ve said that.

“Honestly, I commend you and as a feminist I totally respect your right to your own body. And your right to use, or not use it, however you want.” Gee, that was so not backhanded in any way. Sorry I’ve never had a pregnancy scare like her. I’m glad I don’t always say the things I think. She’s my best friend, but I don’t always agree with her actions.

Instead of firing back, I choose to let her go on. “Yeah, no, that’s not what makes you a feminist, like, at all, but whatever you say, sure. What’s your point?”

A fake polite laugh. “I’m not calling you a prude, honey, not like those other girls do.” Um, wait who’s calling me a prude? Point me at ‘em! “But come on, your hot! And you dress so…. not hot. And you never do anything fun! Do you even know what alcohol smells like? Have you ever even kissed someone? I wanna see you be wild for once!”

“And I guess letting a stranger pierce my nipples with cold metal isn’t ‘wild’? What would you have me do?”

Ruby skips around a few steps in front of me and stops suddenly.

“Let someone see ‘em. Like, for example, off the top of my head, say, oh, Ryder.”

Ryder is a boy who’s in a few of our classes at school. The new kid. Everyone thinks he’s weird and they all just ignore him for the most part, but I don’t see the point. I like to think I’m fairly polite to him, and because of it, Ruby likes to tease.  
She looks at me strangely. I’m sure it’s meant to be a ‘come hither’ look, but she just looks high. She opens a door behind her. “Let’s go!”

“You’re disgusting” I say under my breath as I follow her inside. I didn’t even realise we had walked this far whilst talking. We’ve made it to the piercing place.

The reality hits me as soon as I step foot inside. The smell of antiseptic reminds me of a hospital, which makes me feel nauseous, and there’s lavender incense burning, and fragranced body treatment and all sorts of hair products adding to the unique and distinct smell of beauty.  I feel light headed. I sit down on the sanitised couch and focus on my breathing. In for 5 very long seconds, out for 5 even longer seconds. Having anxiety sucks. And I’m anxious pretty much 24/7.

Ruby turns around to see me and immediately her face falls. “Oh no sista gurl don’t you dare do this. You’re gonna go through with it, you’re gonna be fine, and you’re gonna love the result. Come on get up.” She drags me up and we walk over to the reception desk and a desk chick who has no special features.

“Hi, how can I help you two girls today?” Why do they always greet you with your number and gender? Ruby answers for me. She’s so great. She always looks after me and has stuck around so far.

“My friend Emoni is here for her 1 o’clock appointment with Lovelle. McLaris, Emoni McLaris. Yep okay thanks I‘ll get her to sign it. Yeah, she’s fine, it happens a lot, I’ve got this.” Uh I hate that. That feeling of incompetence, not being able to look after myself, having to rely on others all the time.

“Alright come on girl lets sign your life away.” I take the pen and form from her and sign my name, tick some boxes, and sign some more. I search in my purse for my I.D card, proving I’m 18 or over. “I can do it.” I say as I bring it and myself up to the desk chick.

“Yeah you can.” I hear Ruby whisper in reply. A cute little mark of encouragement and belief. The desk chick asks if I’m ready and starts to walk around to the hall, where there are private rooms. “Can my friend come with me?” I blurt out. I need to keep my calm.

“Of course, yeah.” Ruby and I smile at each other, following the desk chick to the third door on the left down the cream coloured corridor and motions us into a cute little room that has a bed, two seats for clients, and one for the beautician. A big set lady with glamorous makeup and clean nails waves us in.

“Hello! Hello, hello! Come in, darling! Oh, there’s two of you. Oh yay I’m doing two! Oh how fun! We’re gonna have fun!” Talkative. Yay me.

“Oh no actually it’s just her today. It’s her birthday so she got the special!” Ruby, and actually now that I think about it, most girls, almost always end their sentences on a high pitch. I don’t get it.

“Oh well that’s great! Happy Birthday! So what are we doing to you today?”

“Nipples. I’m a rebel, haha.” Aha why did I say that? That was so stupid. Uh don’t say anything else to anyone ever again.

“Alright well have a seat on the bed over here, are you comfortable with your friend staying to watch?”

I nod vigorously. “I don’t think I could do it without her.” I say as I lift myself up onto the bed.

“Aw that’s so great. I’m Lovelle by the way. And you are…?”

“My name’s Ruby and she’s Emoni.”

“Oh what a pretty name, Emoni. Is that ethnic?” I can’t help but think that’s kinda rude.

“Um, Irish, actually. Well my dad’s Irish, mum’s Aussie.” I guess that ethnic question was more because of my tan olive skin. Others would straight up say brown.

The confused look on Lovelle’s face is what I live for. Sometimes I love my heritage.

“Oh, her dad’s also black.” What the hell, Rubes?! Can you not?

“Yeah, um anyways, can we, you know, get on with it? I’m excited is all.” I want to get it over with already.

“Of course, darling! Let’s have a look at the jewellery.” Lovelle pulls up a piece of cardboard with at least 70 different types of hoops, rings and barbells. A wide selection I wasn’t expecting.  
Luckily, I already know what I want.

“Barbells. Silver.” I do however have to scan to find the right size. “These ones. Please”

“Yep. Okay, time to take off your shirt.”

Even though I know I have to, I still feel confronted by it. We’re all girls here, nothing to be ashamed about, we all have breasts. Sorta.

I take off my shirt and unhook my bra. It’s literally just skin. With fat deposits underneath. Boobs aren’t a sexual thing. Calm down, Em. “You can do this” I whisper to myself.

“Ok now I’m going to talk you through this procedure, I’ve noticed that talking about it helps a lot of clients who get scared.” I appreciate that. I slide my straps down my arms to take my bra off and reveal my flat chest.  
“First I’m going to sanitise the skin with a medi-swab.”

As if I wasn’t cold enough. I swallow my immodesty and gesture for Ruby to hold my hand. The needle isn’t even in sight yet, but I feel so anxious. She then takes the texta and draws some dots to mark where the jewellery will go.

“We just have to make sure they’re even. Do you want to have a look in the mirror to check for yourself?”

“Sure.” I stand up to face myself in the mirror.

I see a hippo in my splotchy and discoloured skin. A hippo with half a head of dark purple hair, an oversized septum ring, and now two little black dots on my nipples. Attractive.

“Yeah, looks good.” I say, ready to go. Sitting back on the bed, Ruby finds my hand again, and squeezes lightly.

Lovelle has a big scary metal contraption in her gloved hands, the clamp. Why am I going through with this? This is so weird, I can’t do it. There’s no way.

“So we’re ready to pierce now.” Lovelle preps the needle. “This needle has a plastic tube over top of it called a cannula, so when I pierce through the nipple, I’ll take out the needle but not the cannula because that’s how we get the jewellery in. Okay, are we ready?”

“Breathe with me, gurl.” Ruby grabs my other hand, and I turn to look at her. She’s so helpful when it comes to dealing with my anxiety stuff. I wonder how she puts up with me sometimes.

I can feel the needle push all the way through my nipple, which is a horribly painful burning and stinging sensation. But only very briefly. The needle is pulled out the other side, and Lovelle places the first barbell into the end of the cannula, which causes it to move around under the skin. A strange feeling that hurts as well as itches. The cannula slides out as the jewellery is pushed through and the ball-end is screwed on.

“One down, one to go!” Announces Lovelle, cleaning up the small drop of blood with a new medi-swab. “You’re doing amazing, sweetie!”

Ruby mimics her soundlessly, referencing an old internet meme. “You are doing so great though, Em, you got this!”

The same procedure on the right nipple is carried out, however this one hurts a lot more, but doesn’t bleed. Ruby hands me a chocolate bar to munch on in order to keep my sugars up and prevent me from passing out.

“We’re all done! Awesome job, girl. Wanna see?”

“Yes she so does.” Ruby answers for me.

This time, when I look in the mirror, I see a rather fancy hippo who just got her nipples pierced. A curvaceous body, accessorised with metal.

“You look badass, sista gurl!” I feel badass. The ultimate confidence booster. I can’t help but want to touch them immediately.  
Lovelle sees my hands reaching up and says “No, don’t touch! Sorry, fingers away from the freshly traumatised skin.”

“Infections can be very easily caused. I’m going to give you this pre-mixed saline solution, which you have soak them in 1 to 3 times a day. I recommend not wearing a bra for the rest of today, but a sports bra during the night.”

“Oh, um, okay,” I look at Ruby. “Can I please put my bra in your bag? I’m not walking around in public holding my bra in my hands.”

“Duh.” She says as she opens up her handbag.

“Ok thanks.” I put my shirt back on, the soft fabric lightly touches my stimulated nipples. I brace for expected pain, but am greeted by a tickling impression. I shudder in excitement whilst adjusting my shirt. “I can’t believe I did it. That was…not as horrendous as I thought it’d be. Wow, I’m awesome.”

We say goodbye to Lovelle, who’s growing on me, and enter the front reception area again to pay.  
The desk chic smiles at us. “I love seeing people’s reactions to this stuff. They go in scared and nervous and come out happy and proud. Who would think that two little pieces of metal could change someone’s view of themselves so much? That’s $110, $55 apiece.”

I gladly hand over the money as I contemplate her words. She really is right.


	2. Chapter Two: An Unsurprising Surprise

We leave Bell’s Body Beauty, I with a new perspective and an empty wallet, Ruby with impatience. 

I never felt comfortable in my own flesh and skin, always viewed my body as an ugly vessel that takes up too much space. Even now, I’m hyper aware of how much space I physically take up. I always felt that I was too extra, in a bad way.   
And I know that the term ‘extra’ usually means something good, or really cool. Like dressing for the runway for a family lunch. I’ve since come to accept the word in both its new and old definition as part of who I am. 

But just then, looking at myself in the mirror twice, was an eye-opening experience. 

The first time, prior to piercing, I only saw such negative things like my solid arms, thick legs. A protruding stomach I’ve always been ashamed of. I saw the unevenness of my oddly coloured skin, and my peculiar outline. A very awkward shape that doesn’t care for the rules of geometry. My shape is that of an hour glass with an extra curve, an extra hour.

And then the second time around, the reflection smiling back at me is a happier me, with a face full of pride. With the right attitude I’m proud of my strong arms, I love my sexy thighs, with which I could crush a man’s skull. My little tum is cute, and my skin is a remarkable colour and has a sort of pattern to it; stretch marks are body art that occur naturally. My body is a piece of art, entirely my own.

“So that was wonderful and all, but are you hungry? I’m hungry. Let’s go get some food.”

“…. I’m broke now. I’ve got like $5 left. Probably not even.”

“Girl, shut up, are you kidding, I’m paying for you, you brave, stupid soul. I’m not gonna stand by your side as you have a bigass needle stuck in your boobs and then refuse to feed you. I’m a good person.” That she is. “Maccas?”

“Is there anything else?” 

"Not in this town." She states.

"Hey is it just me or does everyone in this town look like dirt?”

"HA!" Ruby squawks. “This whole town is dirt. It is a speck of dirt on the bottom of my high heeled shoe."

Rivertown is a small rural town along the Murray River. Winner of the Most Creative Name Award. There’s nothing here. A few cheap shops and eateries. Mostly new farms and little home-based businesses. Almost everyone knows everyone and its horrible. Maybe a week away will do me good, even if I have to socialise.

As we walk towards McDonald’s Ruby is glued to her phone. 

“Geez, I know your popular but really? Who are you texting anyways?” I lean over to look at her phone screen but all I see from this angle is scratches. Ruby hurriedly locks it and stashes it away in her bag, like she’s got something to hide.

“Nothing, no one, nothing.” She blunders out. 

“Yeah, you already said that.” I’ll leave it alone then.

We continue on in silence until we reach Maccas. Ruby runs ahead and once again holds a door open for me. “Thanks.” After we order, two large McChicken Deluxe meals, a chocolate sundae for me and a strawberry one for her, she leads me to the cleanest table in the place. 

I can’t take it anymore.

“I know.” 

“What?” Playing the whole ‘oh, I got caught off-guard’ routine.

“My surprise party tonight. They do it every 3 years, like clockwork.” My parents love hosting parties, and as I’m an only child they pretty much spoil me all the time. Not that I ask for it. “It’s only been a part of my life since forever. And, come on, you know I know.” 

“Uh okay.” She grunts. “I admit defeat, but I’m not telling you the plans.”

“I don’t expect you to.”

Ruby cannot keep secrets. “And I’m not telling you there’s a chocolate cake involved.” Why did my parents even tell her? 

“Only thing I eat.” I say with chocolate topped ice cream dripping off my plastic spoon.

“And I’m definitely not telling you that Ryder will be there.” High-pitch musical end note.

“No, calm down, I’m not going there. No. We’ve discussed this; I don’t like him like that. I don’t even know him all that well.”

“Hmmm but I heard he likes you.” Will she ever not sing-song? “You wouldn’t wanna brake his heart, would you?”

“You better listen up, Ruby Newell, if he hasn’t picked up by now that I’m not interested, then maybe he’s stupid enough to deserve it.” I hiss out at her. Usually she stops when Mean Em comes out.

Ruby, in a hushed voice, says, “Oh, shit. Mean Em came out at the worst possible time.”

I turn around, and to my left is Ryder. Shit. I’m guessing he heard all of that. I’m really not up to confrontation right now, or ever, really. But especially not now. 

“I’m so sorry I was trying to get her to shut up about it, and…” he cuts me off by walking away. 

Before Ruby can do or say anything more, I say “Don’t even start.”

Sometimes Mean Em overtakes and that’s all there is of me. I’m not even sure where she comes from, I have no reason to be so unkind. Usually people realise I’m not in a talking mood from the tell-tale signs, but this is the first time she’s got me in trouble. 

A counsellor once told me that a personisn't only one thing. No one is happy all the time, no one is sad all the time. Or nasty. 

I beg to differ.

Sometimes, the words of my current therapist pop into my head; ‘it is not essential to remember when the difficulties started in order to help’. 

I cannot recall bits of my past, but I know that something horrible happened. My parents never believed me, told me I have the plainest past, the happiest childhood. But I can’t remember happiness from a young age, all I get is sadness. Distress.  
I’m convinced that something traumatic happened and I’ve repressed it. Most of my shrinks have thought the same thing, too. A couple even wanted to diagnose me with PTSD as they decided that I’m definitely still negatively affected by it... I’m sure my parents are hiding something from me. Whatever I don’t remember was horrible, but I just want them to admit it. Stop lying.

I feel like an actress reciting lines that aren’t true whenever I meet with my counsellor. Being told nothing happened makes me think I’m overreacting. Maybe they're right and I just like being disturbed. But being depressed is exhausting. And I think that everyone expects me to be sad all the time. 

That’s not what depression is. 

Depression is sometimes not wanting to wake up in the morning, hoping you die halfway thought the night in your sleep.   
For others, depression can be not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to do anything because nothing brings you joy, so what’s the point?   
It’s being called lazy, or a party-pooper, a downer.   
For me, it’s those things alternating with wanting to be sad and feeling guilty because I might enjoy it. 

At the end of our soundless feast, I look up at Ruby with a smirk she knows to mean fun. “So, what am I wearing tonight, sista gurl?” 

“I was so hoping you’d ask that.” She sounds relieved. Good. 

Together we trek around all the cosy clothing stores for her to find me an outfit for tonight. After a few fails, we find an old pawn shop, a magical little place of opportunities. You wouldn’t expect it, but there were a lot of new clothes, and name brands. Instead of paying $80 for a new bomber jacket in a retail store, I snatch one up for $5. Absolutely nothing wrong it, just pre-loved.

“OMG! EM TRY THIS ON!”

“If I can find you.” It really is a journey through all these clothes racks in such a cramped building. Apart from the elderly woman at the counter, we’re the only people in here, so I make a quick job of finding her at the other end of a rack. 

She hands me something florid and ushers me to a dressing room.

Closing the curtain behind me, I find myself in front of yet another mirror. A sticker warning customers not to steal distorts my reflection the tiniest bit. Careful to avoid snagging my new piercings on anything, I change into what is actually quite a cute dress. All shades of purple, matching my hair, and grey with a black lace hem and back. A decent length, too. Somehow, as if the gods are smiling upon me today of all days, it miraculously fits! Damn, I look so awesome right now.

Once I’m out of the dress and the tiny room, I find Ruby and tell her what a score this is. We check the price tag, $9. I see that Ruby has also discovered a few items for herself. Going up to the paying counter the petite lady smiles at me and says “$4.” So obviously everybody knows it’s my birthday? I wonder how much my dad had to pay the whole damn town.

“So, are we done now?” I ask Ruby. This has been fun, but the day’s far from over.

“Yeah, I think so. To the Glam-mobile!” Cue ‘70’s Batman music. I’m too messed up psychologically to take a driver’s test, so I love that my friend has her licence. I take full advantage of it. 

We arrive at my place half an hour before the ‘surprise’, and my parents are so nervous it’s kinda funny. They must’ve hired a bus to get all the guests to our backyard without there being lots of cars parks suspiciously up the street. 

“So your parents told me to take you through the front door, avoid the kitchen and straight to your room until they come get you. So what’ll we do for half an hour?”

“Watch YouTube?” I suggest. 

We make it to my room and I flop down on my bed, letting go of the bags that prove today happened and trying to find my laptop. Ruby dumps her large overnight bag on the floor as she makes at herself at home. I’m basically her second home. When she’s not here I’m there. 

She studies each necklace and earing on my jewellery display carefully, as if she’s a stylist. Which she practically is.

“Okay, cool.” I’ll just actually watch YouTube then. Well, I’m bored now. I let her know this vital piece of information. 

“You…. have a one-of-a-kind taste in clothing. And everything else.” Ruby turns a blind eye to my things, and pulls out a big bag from her bigger bag. She takes to the floor of my bedroom and begins changing it into a makeup alter of some sort. “Sit.”

I obey. She works her magic on me, of which I am oblivious to. I don’t understand the first thing about cosmetics, other than that I can’t do it. 

“Half-way break!” Rubes declares. I guess she has to rest her hands? Nope, I’m wrong, she’s unveiling something else from her bag of tricks. I know better than to ask, but I ask anyway.

“Whoa what are you doing now? I’m not wearing a prosthetic nose. Or wig. Or….what is that?”

She unfolds a rectangle purse thing that reveals special effects such as crazy coloured eye contacts, crazy coloured false eyelashes, just crazy and coloured things.   
“We’ll save all that for after you’re dressed though. For now, shoes.” And because she has Hermione Granger’s beaded bag with the undetectable extension charm placed upon it, Ruby manages to bring out several pairs of shoes.

I stare in wonder because what else is there for me to do? This has me absolutely astounded. “How does someone like me have a best friend like you?”

“Opposite attract?” she guesses.

“That’s a myth, actually, it was proved by-“

“Yeah excellent point, how does someone like you have a best friend like me?” Oh, the sass on it.

A knock-knock at my door. I look around my room, clothes strewn everywhere, frantically looking for my dressing gown. Throwing it on I call out, “Come in!”

Opening the door is my dad. Darker-skinned than my mother and I, his colourful clothes are a stark contrast. “Oh, hey girls, you’re home! You should come outside for a minute, there’s something I wanna show you. Oh, and Em, wear something else.” Yeah, real subtle, dad.

“Um, in a minute, dad. Rube’s still putting my face on.”

“Ok, sure.” He steps out of my room and, gods bless him, closes the door behind him.

“Amazing,” Ruby gasps. “My mum always leaves my door wide the heck open. How’d you train him so well? I’m serious.” 

Taking off my dressing gown and sliding into my new dress, I search for some tame black shoes to pair with it. Ruby hands me some dangerous looking heels of hers. Of course. I don’t know why I’d expect anything else from her at this point.  
She quickly finishes what I’m sure is a true work of art on my face, and kisses the top of my head. “I’m amazing.”

I try out these new shoes on the way over to my lengthy mirror.

“Happy Birthday!” Ruby squeals as I take in my new look. “Ready to go, sista gurl?”

Damn, I feel so awesome right now. “Hells yeah, sista gurl!”

The two of us wonder down the hall to the back door. Ruby pushes me forwards and outside.

I’m greeted by party lights hung up and strung around poles, streamers and lanterns hanging from the back veranda, and a massive scream from a million voices at once;

“SURPRISE!”


	3. Chapter Three: Ryder

Tuesday the 7th of March  
It’s 6:20AM and I’ve hardly slept. After the party died down last night, Ruby got drunk and went all philosophical on my ass. Talking my ear off most the night. She eventually fell asleep; I couldn’t. I wasn’t drunk, just excited I think. I can’t have alcohol with my anxiety meds. I was way too energised and wanted something to do, so I decided to help mum and dad clean up. They told me to have a shower and go to bed, so I did. Still, I struggled to calm down enough to sleep. I guess maybe I got 3 hours at most. Oh well, I can just sleep on the bus.

Most of my class are standing around, huddling together under the train station shelter to avoid freezing, and I’m anxious to find Ryder, who I can’t see anywhere. Ruby is sitting down on a bench, drinking a hangover cure that smells like grass. And not good grass, like gross, mouldy old grass. I go to sit with her.

“Don’t let me ever get this drunk ever again.” Ruby sounds miserable. She chokes on the disgusting concoction, and sniffles. “Ugh” she grunts. I see Fin arrive in his broken-down car. I don’t care for cars but I know his is horrible and probably un road worthy. He hops out of his coffin-on-wheels, struggles to get his big suitcase out of the backseat, and then strides over to us.

“Good morning, ladies.” His boyish smirk falls as he notices his hungover girlfriend seemingly dying. “Great party last night, Em. Thanks for inviting me.”

Only because Ruby begged me to let you show up. “You weren’t invited, Fin. Your just lucky we both love her.”

“You guys.” She groans. Oops, better turn on the magic.

“I mean, my pleasure, good sir.” If Rubes wasn’t my best friend, I wouldn’t even pretend to be nice to him.

“The pleasure is mine, kind lady. To be in your presence is a present of the highest order. I am truly gratified.”

Ruby downs the last of her drink, and with a cough or two says, “Ok you can stop now. That’s way too much.”

“We’ve got about 6 hours ahead of us on the bus, so please make sure you all go to the toilet first!” shouts Mrs Dee, our English teacher. Nearly everyone rushes into to the train station toilets, but not me. My anxiety would never allow me to do something like that. There’s so many awkward scenarios that could happen that my mind convinces me will happen, and I freeze with fear.

Ruby follows the rest of the girls, leaving me with Fin. Oh boy.

“You know, you’re actually a kinda nice person.”

I scoff. “If that’s your idea of a compliment, you are sadly mistaken. But, yeah, you’re not that unbearable either.”

He laughs politely and replies, “I guess we’re both mistaken, then.” He does a rather charming air to him. I think perhaps we don’t get along so well because we’re constantly fighting over our time with Ruby. Both our lives are taken up by her in large part, and we’re lost without her.

“Oh, um, by the way, what’s ‘sister girl’?”

I laugh. “’Sista Gurl’ is our nickname for each other. We’re Original.”

He nods, looks confused, but he nods all the same.

“Can’t wait to get out of this cold.” I have the best timing, because the bus our school hired for the week is just pulling in to the drop-off, pick-up zone. As soon as it parks the first few kids come back out of the toilets.

“Alright everyone pass their bags along to Mr Clarkson and Mr Mhavrych, and line up in front of me so I can tick you all off and then you can get on the bus and we’ll get going!” Mrs Dee announces, and then the heard starts herding.

Ruby nudges my arm. “Hey, look, there’s Ryder.” I see him quickly shuffle out of the way and wait it out. Plucking up all my courage, and regretting it immediately, I make my way slowly over to him. I have no idea what I’m gonna say, or even if he’ll listen to me.

“Hey there, you.” Am I in a movie? Who says that?

Ryder looks awkward. Maybe I should leave. Just as I start to, he abruptly says, “Hi.” I look at him; he can’t look at me. His eyes are darting all over the place. I drop my gaze, but can’t leave.

Once the rest of the class are mostly all on board, we scooch in, pass our bags to the Maths and Phys Ed teachers, and line up. Ryder gets on first. I expect him to quickly find himself a seat with someone else, but he stops in front of me and gestures to the empty double seat.

“Everyone on? Great! Let’s get going then!” Mrs Dee says behinds us.

I take the seat Ryder so graciously appoints me, and he sits next to me.

“I know you like the window seat.” He mumbles. His head moves a lot when he speaks.

He really is a sweetheart, though. “Thank you, I appreciate it.” He nods vigorously in reply, looking nervous.

“Hey, I really am so sorry about what I said yesterday, but you only heard part of it- “.

He tells my excuse back to me. “I know; you were just trying to get Ruby to shut the hell up. You don’t like me like I obviously like you, and she won’t drop it. You got annoyed and said something you didn’t mean.” Usually with him, you have to explain things very plainly, as to a child and a result it’s sometimes hard no to come across as condescending, but I don’t think he chooses to ignore it. Is he reading my mind?

I need time to process what he just said. “…. Exactly.”

“I know you, Em. Better than you know yourself. You don’t have to apologise.” Is he a gift from the gods or what? Ok, so he is a sweetheart but I still don’t feel anything for him.

“I feel like I have to validate my reasons- “

“For not liking me? No, relax. You’re not attracted to me. Don’t feel guilty for being you.” Sounds like something straight out of a self-help book.

“Stop cutting me off. Also, I don’t know, I want to tell you the truth.” He looks at me quizzically. “I mean, yeah, you’re hot, nice to look at and everything, but I just can’t see me being in a relationship. Not right now, maybe not ever. Can I use the pan card?” Ha, I have him stumped.

“Pan? What?”

I always find this amusing. “I’m pansexual. It can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but for me personally, it means I don’t believe in monogamy.”

“But...your parents are married?”

“Happily, too. I don’t need a reason for being who I am. It’s just…,” Ok, I’ve never spoken about it to this extent before. I struggle to find the words to match my feelings. “…how I am.” Yeah, that may not sound right, but it feels right.

Ryder stays silent for a few minutes. Maybe thinking about what to next. He opens his mouth to speak a couple of times, but gives up before he can make a sound.

“Thank you. For explaining it to me. And being patient with me. And being nice to me. You’re the only one in this school who’s so nice to me. You just spoke so openly about yourself and, I now want to tell you something, too.” Oh boy, he doesn’t get it, he’s gonna tell me still likes me. I don’t wanna break his heart. I brace myself.

Ryder leans in closer to me, lowers his voice. “I have Asperger’s.”

I’m silently relieved. Expecting something I considered to be much worse, I feign ignorance. Plus, I feel like I’m repairing my rapport with him. “What’s that?” I ask sensitively.

He twiddles his arms clumsily. “It’s a developmental disorder that affects my ability to effectively socialise and communicate with others. That’s why I’m really awkward and I fidget, and I stutter and I’m not great with people. It’s a sort of autism, is the easiest way to explain it.” Ryder looks at me, his big blue eyes pleading for me to not see him differently.

“I understand how hard that was for you say that. And I’m glad you feel comfortable sharing it with me. It hasn’t changed anything, you’re still Ryder. I’ll always be your friend.”

He acts bashful, and asks if he can hug me. “Of course, come here.” I’m glad he told me, happy he feels safe with me. “Please don’t feel bad for me, though. Like you said, I’m still me.”

Ryder pulls away and I let go of him. “Please don’t hate me, but now I really want to tell you something.” Yep okay here it comes. No stopping it now. I’ve inadvertently assured him that we could be something.

“I can draw parallels between you and Superman.”

“Oh, really? How so?” Where’s he going with this?

“Yeah, well, he’s the Man of Steel, and everyone says you have no feelings. So I say you have a Heart of Steel. But you can’t say that steel ain’t strong.” I…. guess…he’s right?

“You’ve got a point there, my friend.”

“They all say I’m setting myself up for disappointment with you. But I refuse to listen. I love you Emoni McLaris.”

There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

I tell him not to do the thing, and then he does the thing! I hate saying these things to him, but I gotta get my point across.

“We’re friends, Ryder, but that’s it. Didn’t I just say that I’m not the relationship type? Weren’t you listening?” We’ve just back-tracked.

He licks his lips timidly. “Yes, I know, and I don’t expect you to do anything about it.” Avoiding my eyes, he admits, “I just wanted to let you know.”

You can see his heart not just break, but implode inside him. His eyes look dead, his face hardens. I feel flustered, confused, kind of angry. I’m sure he feels so much worse. But it’s better than lying to him, leading him on. It’s better he gets it through his head. I think.

Looking at me like that, I wish he hadn’t have said anything.

We sit noiselessly together for the next hour or so. My mind is working overtime. The thoughts in my head are like the energiser bunny from those old battery ads on TV and it’s driving me insane. I hate not being able to make sense of my own emotions. Nothing’s stable in here, and I’m overwhelmed by all the noise and commotion inside me. This is what I do; I overthink everything and never let anything go. My heart is thinking faster than my brain can understand. I let the vibrations of the engine lull me to sleep.

***  
I can’t sleep in a public place. Not with all the people around. I know everyone else is asleep or otherwise occupied and therefore not looking at me, but I think they are and I freak myself out.

“Good morning.” Ryder says when he notices me stir. He’s smiling, that’s a great sign.

I squint, the sun has fully risen. “What time is it?”

“Sum-mer-time!” referencing High School Musical.

“Yeah wasn’t over, like, a decade ago?” Remembering and cringing at our generation’s pre-teen years entranced by Zac Efron, ‘Zefron’.

Ryder laughs lightly. “It is…” he checks his phone. “8:08AM. You’ve been asleep this whole time.”

The bus rattles to a sudden stop, startling everyone on board. The engine boils and hisses, gurgles, and stops. The bus driver man speaks lowly to Mrs Dee, then she asks all the teachers to assist in inspecting what could be wrong. Kids start murmuring immediately, and it inexplicably pisses me off. I didn’t even want to go on this trip, although I guess some good has come of it already; I made up with Ryder.

About 15 minutes pass and Mrs Dee comes back in to tell us all to get out. We line up outside the bus in the shade. I see we are quite literally in the middle of nowhere. Nothing to look at but trees upon trees upon trees upon trees. River Redgums, Ghost and Sugar Gums, Redboxes and Wattles all around. We’re surrounded by boring old, nearly dead dried up trees. Ugh.

Some of us give up quick on standing, and soon enough the whole class is sitting down on jackets and blankets spread out over the dry and prickly wild grass. The ‘It Girls’ are chattering about who slept with who and who is planning on sleeping with who.

Another group of students are trying to get back to sleep (same), and an ironic collection of outcasts seem to have formed their own little clique. Ugh, I wish the people in my school weren’t so stereotypical.

I wish I hadn’t have overheard one of the girls talking about how hot she finds Mr Mhavrych. “NO! But he’s married, isn’t he?” “So?” “I think he’s hot too, omg.”

Ruby, Fin and one of his douchebag mates whose name I don’t know and don’t care for, Ryder and I are sitting around in a cute little circle. Ruby and the other half of her are, well, busy, and Ryder and that other guy are talking about something I don’t understand.


	4. Chapter Four: The Great Aussie Heat, Trees, And Conspiracy Theories

“It’s not a conspiracy if it’s real!”

“IT’S NOT REAL!” My mate screams in the douchebag guy’s face.

“That’s what the government wants you to think.” D.B Guy says calmly.

I’m bored of being bored, so I butt in. “What’s what who thinks?”

Ryder tries to explain, but he can’t comprehend the stupidity of whatever the other guy was saying. “Uh, this idiot here thinks that our government is covering up some stupid science centre that do weird experiments, but that they didn’t…. cover it up properly? Actually wait, no, I’m so lost.”

“What’s-ya-name, what are getting at?”

The guy scoffs. “I’m Brax, my name is Brax.” What a dickhead name.

“Already forgotten it.” I’M NEVER FORGETTING IT THAT’S HILARIOUS.

An evil face is staring at me, trying so hard to shoot me with his laser vision. It’s so pathetic it’s almost adorable.

“So there’s this place called MASS, or MAZE, or something like that, the name’s not important right now, but they were formed by a secret section of the Australian Government that the Australian Government doesn’t even know existed. They were to carry out illegal experiments similar to what the Nazis tried to do way back in the day. So, like, chopping up kids and stuff.”’ What a way to say genocide.

Fin detaches himself from Ruby to join the in the conversation. “Oh yeah, dude, it’s totally legit.”

“Oh, well now I’m inclined to believe DoucheBag over here.” Pointed to Fin. “Dude Man, I’m sorry I didn’t believe you until Fin verified it for me.” This time aimed at D.B.

Ignoring me, against his natural instinct, he endures.   
“Do you remember when we were all about 3, or so, that kid went missing? Lowen Stanis? Like probably 8, maybe younger.” I vaguely recall something.

So does Ruby. “Oh, yeah, and there were adds on TV, and all over the newspapers and magazines and stuff. My parents donated to that fundraiser, to his parents, you know.”

“Aw, my baby’s so admirable.” Fin purrs, and turns to kiss her again. Can’t y’all just keep your hands off each other? No one wants to see that. Ryder looks away.

“Get a room!” D.B shouts as they start to lean his way. “I’m not your pillow! Gross, man! Ugh!”

I shake my head, tactlessly asking, “So, what about that kid?” Anything to evade F+R4EVA

“Yeah, well he was kidnapped my MACS.”

“MACS?” Ryder interrupts.

“Whatever! I don’t know the name of the place!” D.B snaps. “They took him. Better?” Ryder nods. “Did all kinds of crazy stuff to the poor kid. Tortured him, nearly killed him.”

Fin is back now. “And apparently there were heaps of other kids there, too, though. Stanis was just one of them. Whatever they were doing to those kids, he wasn’t affected.”

“OR he was, and the rest weren’t.” D.B excitedly adds. “And so he escaped.”

“Or a few, no one’s really sure. But someone definitely escaped.” Fin includes. “And so they had to hunt them, to get them back, so that they couldn’t, like, tell people about it. But these bad guys, they couldn’t get the help of the public without raising suspicion, because if they put out pictures of him, people would realise it was the kid, right?”

“Well, yeah, of course they couldn’t, because otherwise that’d be, like, stupid or something.” Ryder rolls his eyes.

I stifle a giggle.

“So anyways, that’s the story,” D.B turns to face Ryder. “Not ‘theory’, because stories can be true. And it is true.”

“How do you that for a fact? Have you met one of those kids? Have they told you that ‘story’? Kids lie.”

“It’s all over the internet, man, and there’s so much evidence to prove it.” Fin backs up his mate.

Ruby, who has been uncharacteristically non-hyperverbal, speaks up. “You read it on the internet, so it must be true.” 

Everyone stares at her, flabbergasted that she’s not agreeing with her bae, as usually happens.   
“What? A girl can’t have her own opinion while in a relationship? I acknowledge that he believes what he believes, and I expect him to acknowledge that I believe what I believe. And that’s it.” You go, sista gurl.

“I’m so hot for you right now.” Fin states as he lurches into her.

Objections erupt from all three of us.   
“I said GET. A. ROOM.”  
“Oh my gosh I don’t wanna see that, no one wants to see that, ugh.”   
“UGH YOU GUYS, STOP IT.”

Damn, it’s like pigs in heat. Dangerous and disgusting. 

D.B goes on. “So, apparently this kid has powers now, or something. Or maybe more than just him. There’s no way of telling for sure.”

“OH MY G-O-S-H. That’s an amazing story. I love it. Tell it again?” I bat my eyelashes and they quit it.

“That was...intense.” Ryder whispers in my ear. I nod in agreeance. “My favourite conspiracy theory is that the sun doesn’t exist.”

I’m still really tired so I strip off my bulky jacket, ball it into a makeshift pillow and lay my head on it. Plugging in my headphones, I’m blasted away by the Chicago musical overture, the previous song I had playing at full volume.

Skipping through nearly every song on my phone, I lose track of my thoughts. 

The reoccurring imaginary scenario I’ve had since I was little plays out in my head on repeat.

Every time mum and dad I drive out to my grandparent’s farm, there is this one specific stretch of road that triggers my dark fantasy. Our car crashes, I’m the only one left awake. Sometimes I fumble around for my phone to call 000, other times I’m brave and try to get myself and my parents out of the overturned car. Once I even suddenly developed superpowers.  
That part always transpires differently, but the aftermath is constantly the same; I wake up in a hospital, and people come to see me, deliver me bouquets of beautiful flowers, cards, teddy bears, chocolates. I kinda love this visualisation.  

Damn, I’m not gonna last the whole week without my counsellor.

Struggling to bring my thoughts back to whatever song is playing, I sit up and take out my headphones. “What’s going on now, folks?”

“Yo, these two bitches ‘boutta fight!” Ugh, what an ape.

“You’re an ape,” I say. Intrigued, I venture, “What are they fighting about?”

“Who knows, but it’ll be great!”

Ryder tells me he doesn’t know either. I can’t quite hear the words they’re saying until they start screaming them, but even then they don’t make sense.

“Ugh as if he’d ever go for you, you’re an ogre.” A brunette yells.

A redhead retaliates, “At least I’m not a WHORE.”

“I CALL BULLSHIT” Shrieks a blonde with pink streaks in her hair. 

“At least she doesn’t SLEEP WITH HER SCIENCE TEACHER TO STAY IN SCHOOL.” The brunette’s friend diving in to defend her, I guess.

“SAYS THE BITCH WHO TOLD EVERYONE SHE SLEPT WITH MR MHAVRYCH JUST ‘CAUSE SHE HAS A LITTLE CRUSH.” 

The crowd makes a resounding ‘ooooh she gon’ get it’ noise.

Fists start flying, legs start kicking, hair is being pulled, I repeat; Hair. Is. Being. Pulled. We have a full-on situation now this has surpassed just bitch-slapping. Screams and yelps coming from the first 3 girls, now 5. The rest have jumped in because I guess that’s just what you do when someone calls someone else names.

Mrs Dee waddles over and shouts “SHUT THE HELL UP.” Everyone must obey the voice of God. “WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?”

The gaggle of girls all start yelling again. 

“She said she likes Mr Mhavrych.”   
“She called me a whore.”   
“She punched me.”

“Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, OKAY. Shut up. One at a time…. you. speak. Now.”

The blonde spits out “Marianne called Adelia a whore- “

“Only after she called me an ogre.” The redhead defends herself.

“Because you are. You behave like one too!” As if that validates name-calling. 

“Like, who sleeps with a teacher to save their grades? That’s so movie-cliché.”

Mrs Dee’s eyes widen. “I assure you that no student is sleeping with any teacher within our school. If something like that were to happen, the board would find out instantly and the teacher would be fired, as well as the student expelled. And making up such rumours is a serious accusation, even if they are about yourself, Miss Esta.”

Damn.

No,

Dayum.

Yeah, that’s right, that’s the one.

“You lot will be separated for the rest of the trip, I don’t wanna see ANY interaction between ANY of you, or you will be suspended and not allowed to graduation or the formal. Am I clear?”

Murmur, murmur.

“AM. I CLEAR?”

“Yes.”   
“Yes, hm-hm.”   
“Uh-uh.”   
“Yes ma’am.”

“Great. Marianne, you’ll go sit with Brax when we get back on the bus. Adelia, find Felicity. Negan you can sit up the back with Ruby and Fin. Tiblyn, I’m putting you next to Emoni.” 

Aw, shit. 

Mrs Dee finishes rattling on at the other girls who were involved and then they wander off searching for their new seat buddies. Ha, ‘seat buddies’.

Tiblyn Esta, my new best friend, sulks over to me and stands behind me. 

Everyone, all 30 of us, just stay how we are, scared to break the silence. Mrs Dee is not to be messed with.

After another 5 minutes of drying up in the Great Aussie Heat, Mr Clarkson rolls up his magazine, swats a fly and speaks into the tube like a megaphone.

“The bus is fixed! We can all get back on, line up single file at the door, thanks, and find your seats. No bickering about who sat where, same seats, you guys.”

He goes to turn away, but comes back and adds, ”Oh, uh, except for the girls who were fighting.  You’ve got designated spots now. Good luck.”

We line up again, everyone still quite. It’s more orderly this time around. I lead Tiblyn to my seat and we don’t look at each other. My thoughts go every which way. I start thinking about how world peace has been within our reach for aeons, yet the human race has not evolved enough to obtain it, and we probably never will.

Perhaps this is another ‘conspiracy theory’ that I’ve earwigged in on without knowing it, but I truly believe that the underground governments of the world will not accept peace and equality as truth because that would mean that we would have to say goodbye to our beliefs and individuality, we’d all become numbers. 

I can’t help but think that the way society wants the world to unite strips away our distinctiveness. Conforming will be the death of the human race, to all those people who say that equality is already here, I’d like to ask, If we are all equal then why is there still discrimination and dominance and war?

We are the Earth’s cancer.

Hmm, maybe I’m thinking all those morbid thought because I’m scared of the truth? I just don’t wanna die without having made a difference. It’s my biggest fear. I want to cause something big, or inspire something great. 

There’s got to be more than just this, more to life than we’ve seen.

Unfortunately, I was born half a decade too late to invent something innovative, or discover something ground-breaking.

I hear Tiblyn moan with both desire and disappointment beside me as Mr Mhavrych walks past our seat. I can’t keep it to myself and I laugh aloud.

“What? What’s so funny?” she snaps

“Oh, nothing, just…nothing.” I lie.

“Wouldn’t you like to share with the rest of the class what’s so funny, Emoni?”

I smile and confess. “You know Mr Mhavrych’s gay, right?”

Shocked, she jumps. “Take that back right now!”

“No, seriously.” How oblivious can she be? “He’s married to Mr Clarkson.” I say through laughs.

“No!” She looks back at him, taking his place next to his husband near the back rows.

I just cannot stop laughing and Tiblyn fake hits me. She must be alright because she’s catching my contagion. 

Is making friends really this easy?


	5. Chapter Five: CRASH

No one else on the road, just us. Maybe the driver swerved to miss an animal? Perhaps he fell asleep at the wheel. All I know is that the bus veered off the way and now we’re in the air.

We’re flipping.

We land.

Side on.

Everyone’s screaming, crying, yelling.

I feel like I’m on a show ride that got stuck halfway down. I’m sideways, between the window and Tiblyn. Actually, no, I’m squishing her. Neither of us are particularly religious, but I know we’re both praying to whatever gods may be that our seatbelts stay intact, because they’re the only things holding us up. I can feel what must be blood on my legs, arms, head.

Looking around at the scene, belongings are everywhere, and a lot of kids have fallen out of their seats and are lying in strange positions. All crying out in agony. Some have bits of glass sticking out of their skin, I think I see someone’s bone. My eyes dart away from the horror movie playing out around me. Maybe we should undo our belts and try to climb down without further injury? Probably impossible but it’s all I can think of. Think of. OH I better not have thought this to reality.

Super mind powers are not what I should be thinking about right now. The bus driver is dead, his neck twisted and his head stuck out at a wrong angle. Mr Mhavrych appears to be trying to open the bus door, Mr Clarkson seems alright, apart from some scratches, helping some students. Ruby! Where’s Ruby? I scan everywhere but can’t find her.

Fumbling with my seatbelt, I poke Tiblyn in the side a few times. Oh shit, I didn’t even notice there’s so much blood coming from her torso. I think maybe my seatbelt buckle has stabbed into her. Blood all over my fingers, noise, broken glass and bones, more blood, horror. I can’t take it all in. I’m freaking out, sensory overload. There’s too much, too much. Too much of everything. Why can’t something stop? The bus driver’s breathing has stopped. No, don’t think that. He’s alright, no one’s dead. We’re alright, we’re alright.

I can’t breathe. Tiblyn’s face comes in and out of focus, like a camera starting up. I realise she’s been talking to me this whole time. “Are you okay? Are you alright? Are you hurt? Stay with me, stay awake, no don’t close your eyes, don’t you dare.”

There are too many things happening all at once right now and I’m exhausted from being scared. I can no longer hear anything other than my own heartbeat and harsh breathing. It’s quiet around me now, I guess my senses are confused and shutting down. My heartbeat is deafening. My breaths feel sharp and tough. There is pain everywhere. I can’t take much more of this. Closing my eyes feels like the only thing left to do now…


	6. Chapter Six: Awake In A Strange Place

Ugh.

That was an epic, albeit disturbing, dream.

It felt so real. I nearly feel dizzy, can almost sense abrasions on my skin. Actually, there are. I shoot up out of bed, not my bed, this isn’t my bed. Why isn’t this my bed? Rolling up my black pyjama pants, which I don’t remember putting on, or even buying, I see scratches and gashes up my right leg.

Shit, that was real? It wasn’t a dream? 

Oh, damn, so I must be in hospital. 

I’m in hospital, of course. Somewhere between Rivertown and Halls Gap. 

I could be anywhere; that’s a long way.

This doesn’t quite look like a hospital. Or not what I expected, at least. Never having been inside an actual hospital, this is strange. As if waking up somewhere I didn’t go to sleep isn’t strange enough.

White walls, gold floor, trim and door. Aren’t hospitals supposed to white? Or, like, light blue? The harsh white light blinds me.

My clothes have been changed. Do I feel violated? I don’t know because isn’t that part of the nursing/doctoring job? I suppose it would be hard to save someone’s life with torn up clothing in the way.

It could very well still be Tuesday 7th, the day we were on our way to Halls Gap for the school camp.

Or it could be Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday. There’s no way of telling for sure how long I’ve been out. 

My head’s confused.

Should I be freaking out? Or should I feel safe, gratified, that someone came along and took us to hospital?

Oh, I hope Ruby’s alright. She must be somewhere close by. 

My feet make no noise on the cold and polished floor. There is no lock or handle on the door, so I push against it gently. It doesn’t want to open so easily, so use a bit more force. Nope, nothing. I shove my whole body into it, and still, it doesn’t budge. Maybe it’s a pull door, not push? I try that, but I can’t understand how one is supposed to open this damn door.

Perhaps we aren’t. 

Not from the inside. 

Could it possibly be that only the doctors can open them? Maybe they have a key card or some sort of fancy techy lock on the outside. Is it voice activated?

“Open.” I command of it. “Unlock.” Still won’t move. “Open sesame? Alohomora?” Okay, I’m really getting nervous now. Scared, even.

“Hello? Is someone there? I’m awake now and I can’t open the door? Could I please get some help? Anyone?”

I’m stuck. 

I look around for another exit, or something else that could help me get out. I don’t know what to look for, but even if I did, even if I had any idea, I wouldn’t succeed. There’s nothing here, apart from the bed. The bed that isn’t mine.

Where am I?   
Where could I be? 

It’s spacious enough in here, I suppose, but I’m trapped. 

I’m not claustrophobic, but I’m scared out of my mind. 

How long have I been here? How long will I be here? Will someone come get me?

My breathing turns rough, my chest tightens. It’s so quiet and that scares me further. 

I guess there’s nothing to do but sit down in a corner and endure through this approaching anxiety attack.

I can’t organise my thoughts;   
‘I don’t want to be here’,   
‘Why am I here?’,   
‘Where are the others are they okay?’,   
‘What’s going to happen to us?’,   
‘What’s going to happen to me?’

My mind is turning too fast for me to follow, so I try to concentrate on doing breathing exercises. 

Meditating, 5 seconds inhaling through the nose, 5 seconds exhaling through the mouth. In, out. In, out. 

Out through the nose, in through the mouth. 

Wait. No, that’s not right. Damn, who knew breathing was so hard?

I finally calm down enough to be reasonable with myself. I reinforce the idea that I’m safe, and that I’ll be home soon.

A hear sudden noises, and instead of my heart leaping out of my chest, it feels like it just went back into my spine.

A deep voice talking outside, a few pairs of feet stomping, growing fainter as they walk away. 

The wall starts to whirr and hiss, and makes all sorts of sounds. A door-sized whole dissolves in front of my eyes.

A short man in an oversized speckled gold coat appears in the way. He enters, trailed by a taller, more threatening-seeming man who brings with him a cart full of miscellaneous objects. The short man keeps walking towards me while the tall one takes his place against the wall. The short man is smiling warmly, inciting hope in me.

Up close I can see an embellishment on his jacket, a bizarre pattern with the lets M, A, Z over the top of it. I wonder what MAZ is. Maybe it’s his initials?

“Good morning, my dear Emoni McLaris.” He knows my name! Ok, how does he know my name? Oh, duh, he’s a doctor, hospitals know this stuff. 

He sees me stiffen and he chuckles softly. “Oh, darling, don’t worry. I’m a doctor, of sorts. Of course I know your name.” Just as I thought. Nothing to fear.

“My name is Doctor Haycinth.” So, not his initials, then. “And I’m sorry to say that, yesterday you and your classmates suffered a car crash. Well, a car crashed into your bus.”

“I’d hoped it was a dream.” I admit.

Haycinth shakes his head. “Sorry, no. It was the real deal. I’m the head of this here sanatorium you find yourself in. When my team found you and your class, they contacted me and I immediately came to the rescue.”

His face falls further. “This may be upsetting, but I must inform you that, unfortunately, some of your classmates have died.”

Ruby? Oh my gosh no not Ruby, I couldn’t live without her.

“Some had passed before I even arrived on the scene. Two actually departed along the journey here. Terrible stuff. My condolences.”

“Ruby?” I utter. “Ruby? Ruby Newell? Is she okay? Is she alive? Is she alright?”

Nodding his head, he says ‘yes’. Maybe I can try to breathe again. “May I explain some further things to you?”

“Go ahead.”

He sits down with me on the floor.

“I’m not your typical suburban doctor, you see. I founded a great society many years ago, it has since blossomed to reach its full potential, in the form of this establishment we stand in. The Medical Alteration Zone, or ‘MAZ’, specialises in experimental methods that the government deems 'unsuitable for mainstream use'.”

MAZ.

That sounds ambiguously familiar.

“But, please don’t be threatened by what we do. We also function as any other normal hospital would. Take yourself, for example. A bus crash. We aren’t solely focused on silly little science experiments.” He laughs, encouraging me to laugh with him, so I don’t feel endangered. I do laugh, but I do still feel scared.

“Can I see my friends?” I venture.

“Certainly, although not yet. Most are still recovering, you see. It was a traumatic experience.” He sounds quite upset.

“Oh, yeah, of course,” I understand. “I assumed you’ve called my parents?”

He juts his head on an angle and says “Yes. It was an upsetting phone call, but their glad you’re ok and they’re on their way to come collect you and take you home. I’m sorry about your school trip.”

So everything’s great! I’ll be reunited with my family soon enough, and when Ruby’s better we can go shopping like we used to, everything will be back to normal.

“It’s okay, I didn’t really wanna come anyway. So was anything wrong with me? I mean I saw the scrapes on my legs, but did you have to operate?”

Haycinth perks up. “Fortunately not, Miss McLaris. But we did run a few standard tests etcetera, and you’re mostly fine and healthy. Other than the shock.”

Mostly? What? 

"The heck do you mean 'mostly'?"

“Oh, no, dear. You are perfectly healthy, in prime condition. Your bloodwork came back with a..surprise I wasn't expecting. I must tell you something that you won’t believe, but I swear it’s true. You’ll probably think I’m lying because of how,” he laughs shortly, “outlandish this will sound.”

Is he gonna tell me that I’m pregnant?

“You have a brother. Lowen Stanis”

Aha, good one.

“He’d be 23 now. 15 years ago, in 2022, your happy little family of four took the scenic route to your grandparent’s farm, I believe. But your car collided with another.”

No, that’s just a sullen scene I invented in my head…

“Luckily, you all survived. However, 8-year-old Lowen moseyed away from the scene. Three days later, this precious child chanced upon our property, and we took him in. Adopted him. Of course, we told your parents he had been kidnapped. Convinced them to change their name and move. They did just that, McLaris.”

This is bullshit.

“This is bullshit.” I say.

“We began testing him when he turned 10. We’re ruthless scientific investigators, but we’re not horrible people; we would never hurt a child.”

I still don’t believe him. “Sure, it’s still bullshit, though. I’m an only child. I think I would know if I had a brother.”

“Ah, but you don’t. Do you know what repressed memories are, Miss McLaris?” Haycinth asks condescendingly. He doesn’t let me answer. “They are memories that have been unconsciously locked due to the memory being associated with a high level of stress or trauma. Can you tell me of a traumatic incident you’ve been through?”

“Stepping in gum.” I spit venomously.

“When you were in the baby booster seat in the back of the car when you crashed and your brother went missing, I would expect. You blocked all previous memories at that moment.”

…that makes sense. 

I learned about memories in Psychology class, and what he says does ring true to it. But, my parents would’ve said something, there'd be photos. We would have a shrine dedicated to the son they lost...why would a doctor kidnapped him?

Haycinth presses some buttons on a remote and the wall in front of me, the same wall that materialised a doorway, turns into a screen. A photo of a laughing baby.

“This-“

“Ooh! Ooh! Let me guess! Is it my fake brother?”

“Indeed, Miss McLaris. Lowen Stanis, 4 months old.” Like a slideshow, it switches to another image. An older boy, about 5. A few more pictures of the same age, then; “This photo was taken the morning of your car crash. Isn’t he handsome? Oh, and look, there’s you.”

Unexplainably, it is me. 

And the car we’re standing in front of with…my mother. That’s my mother. And it truly looks authentic. 

But no way, I don’t have a brother, never did.

How did they get this photo? I’ve never seen anything like it. “Photos can easily be edited.”

The snapshot morphs into another, the same boy. “We took these when we found him.” This picture blends into one of a miserable teen. “16 years old, here.” Haycinth narrates, as if I can’t see for myself. “This next one,” the screen changes, “is my personal favourite. How he was at 18, just around the time he built up a certain…immunity. His body resisted our sturdiest chemicals.”

“Lowen developed…abilities. Ones we had never seen before. None of our other subjects had ever shocked us like this. We were stumped. Still are, a bit. Since he ran away when he was about your age, we have made advancements in finding a cure. He is sick, Emoni. And we need you to help us help him.”

The screen changes once more; “This is what we believe him to look like now, at 23 years old his features should be mostly the same. We cannot find that boy, Emoni. Will you assist in returning him to us? To his home?”

“Even if he did exist I wouldn’t help you.” I spit venomously.

“Would you like some food? I’m sure you're starving by now.”

His noiseless companion, who I had completely forgotten about, takes a gold platter out of the cart, brings it over to me and reveals a meal like I’ve never before seen. Two big chunks of steaming meat that I struggle to identify, atop potato slices and an eccentric salad. Something drizzling down the meat; sauce. He hands me a black knife and fork wrapped in a black serviette. What a peculiar colour scheme they have going on here.

I am famished. 

Ravenously I snatch up the cutlery and take the plate, sitting it down in front of my crossed legs on the floor. Just before I dig in, I hesitate. What if they’ve put some sort of experimental drug in it? Are they experimenting on me?

Doctor Haycinth takes the fork from my hand and peels of a portion of meat, exposing the soft and tender sinews. He takes the mouthful and returns the fork to me.

“It’s safe. We don’t want to hurt you.”

Awesome, I can eat it. Who cares for table manners when there isn’t a table?

“Will you help us to help him?” Haycinth begs.

I get back to my meal, making a start on the potato. It tastes…artificial.

This has taken an unexpected turn.

And so have I.

They did drug me. The potatoes have left me paralysed from the neck down. Unable to move, I fall sideways onto the cold hard ground that I was admiring only a few moments ago.

“What’s happening? What are you doing to me?” I manage to vocalise. “I can’t move.”

“Hmm yes.” He nods to his mate, who picks me up and lays me down on the bed. Haycinth holds his palm to a panel in the wall next to the bed, which opens up and closes around his wrist. It must be an ID scanner or something of the like. More whirring and stirring and a section of the floor moves out of the way of a rising containment.

The Silent Man lifts me again and roughly walks me to it. Laying me down in it, Haycinth removes his hand from the wall to come and restrain me, which seems excessive considering I CAN’T MOVE TO DEFEND MYSELF.

He and the Silent Man continue to buckle me down.

“We were trying to make super-soldiers. But, that obviously didn’t turn out how we expected. And neither did Lowen. We consider him to be an anomaly. Actually, a few of the staff have taken to the nickname; ‘The Anomaly’.” Haycinth laughs. 

Hahaha, so funny.

“Will you tell us the whereabouts of his location?” (I think that ‘whereabouts’ and ‘location’ mean the same thing?)

I stare blankly ahead, trying not to cry.

“Hmm? No? Well that’s alright, I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe you’ll have changed your mind by then. In the meantime, my friend will stay here to comfort you.” Haycinth makes his leave.

The Silent Man picks up shiny metal piece that worries me. 

He laughs sadistically as he brings it to my face to show my source of torture to me. 

He makes his first cut, slow and excruciating on my shoulder. 

He then slides it down, slicing open the skin of my arm.

I try my best not to scream.


	7. Chapter Seven: The Side Effects of Torture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: TORTURE, BLOOD, GORE

Waking in blood, I wish I was dead.

I feel tired, dizzy. My heart falls to the pit of my stomach; I’m nauseas. I can’t tell if these are the side effects of missing my medication for two (maybe three) days, or if it’s because I’ve just been sliced and diced by the Silent Man. Probably both, a bit, but mostly the torture. Add in the malnutrition from starving myself. Enough though as drowsy as a I am, I haven’t slept. I can’t, other than when I black out.

They’ve placed a mirror in front of me, so I can see myself being abused. I just squeeze my eyes shut and do my best to keep them that way when the Silent Man has his way with me. I almost prefer the knives to what he does without them.

The temple that is supposed to be my body has been invaded. There is no sanctity left. It’s no longer my own. Once upon a time it was the only thing I considered to be truly mine, the only thing that was my responsibility. Having had a love-hate relationship with it my whole life, I miss it being myself. I’m now without choice, without voice.

So this is what a rape victim feels like.

If this is what’s happening to me, what are they doing to the others? I can’t bear to think of Ruby being treated like this. It’s less painful to just picture her dead.

And Ryder, poor sweet Ryder. Thinking of him is like imagining my brother being battered and bruised.

My brother.

There must be some great reason. But then again, Haycinth is crazy. And his Number One is psychologically damaged.

Coughing wheezily, I take note of my dry mouth. Spluttering out blood and other bodily fluids that probably shouldn’t be coming out of my mouth, I sense someone enter the room. It’s Haycinth, again followed by my persecutor, walking right up to me.

“How are we today?” He greets me. I spit my poison at him. Blood lands right in his eye. That’s awesome but gross. Wiping his face clean, he nods to the Man. They trade places, and I see Haycinth inspecting my blood. My scary friend collects a flask of my essence and hands it to his boss.

“We will drain you. Do you realise that we don’t need you fit and healthy to get what we want?” He turns to leave when he says to Silent Man, “She’s yours for the next hour or so. Then, you should go see 200799, she seems lonely.”

200799? Someone from the bus? Ruby? Ryder? Tiblyn?

Silent Man smiles evilly, strokes his assortment of weapons.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Alone again. I’d give anything not to be alone right now. I’d even take Haycinth over my own company.

I’ve got to stop wishing for things. Silent Man wheels in one my nameless classmates. On a contraption like me, she’s strapped in at the ankles, knees, waist, chest, arms and head. Nothing she can do but cry. We hardly know each other; I may have seen her once or twice at school.

The Man must expect us to try to escape together by the way he reacts to our indifference. His poker face returns and he begins to cut her wrists. Her screams are deafening, I’m horrified. I look away and try to think about what my parents must be doing. Oh no not that. I try to think about what my dog is doing; he must miss me. King has separation anxiety and hates to be away from me.

Uh whatever think about is just making me sadder. Maybe if I pretend we’re acting in a movie? Yeah, we’ve rehearsed the last few days and now we’re taping. Gotta get it perfect for the camera. But I know it’s real. There is no camera or director, we aren’t actors. This is my life now.

I don’t have the strength of mind to take myself elsewhere. The smell of gas prompts a distressing howl from the girl across from me. My eyes are drawn to the burner in the Man’s hands. A blue flame rises at the top. I can hear her flesh being singed, scorched. The skin under the firelight bubbles and spits, I’ll never unsee that.

Nor forget the harrowing screech extracted from her as he places her toes in a small black apparatus shaped like a circle with a lever on the side, that when pressed, sets in motion two sharp blades that push through her skin and bone, slicing the toe clean off.

She faints, and Silent Man wraps her foot in a cloth stop her loosing too much blood. He meets my gaze with his and all of sudden his nose is touching mine. Searching my face. Puzzled, he wheels the disfigured girl out.

For days, maybe weeks, we go on like this; a routine has formed. Haycinth interrogates me and gets mad when I cannot provide the answers he wants. Silent Man then takes over, gradually desecrating me. I’m left alone for an undistinguishable amount of time, to ponder my existence. At random times they bring in others, take turns hurting us, letting the other watch.

With no reason to live, I start to look forward to death. These sessions prepare me for dying. I’ve begged for it a few times. ‘Kill me’, ‘don’t hurt them’, ‘just be done with me’. I’m always declined. Why can’t I just die?

I am well within limit of the implements to kill myself, but cannot reach them. Sweet relief is right in front of me, yet so far away. Knowing this is the ultimate torment.

 

***

 

Just when I begin to think I’m used to this routine of watching helplessly, Ruby, with matted hair and bruised body, appears in my sight. No, no, not her, anyone else, not her.

“EM! EM, WHAT’S HAPPENING? IM SCARED, EM!”

Tears well up in my eyes, I can feel myself tighten. “RUBY! Are you okay? What have they done to you?”

I really can’t watch as the Silent Man unexpectedly changes his regular method of inflicting pain. I see her freeze up as he steps behind her. I brace for what I’m forced to witness. I watch him like a hawk while he puts a hand on her shoulder and the other constricts around her neck. He kisses her forcefully.

“STOP IT!” I yell.

Ignoring me, he strokes Ruby’s chestnut brown hair, and then pulls it powerfully, causing her to wince. He pulls out the section of her so hard that her scalp bleeds.

“LEAVE HER ALONE!”

The Man pulls the strap of her black singlet that matches mine down her arm, which reveals her delphinium tattoo; I recognise the purple flower as a larkspur, the flower of her birth month. He kisses at that, and makes a trail down her arm.

Ruby whimpers “Please don’t, p-please stop, please.”

“YOU BASTARD, STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.”

He continues to grope her. This is horrible. I was wrong before; this is the worst torture imaginable. The Man makes his moves harsher, increasingly punishing Ruby to hurt me.

“I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING, I DON’T KNOW WANT YOU WANT FROM ME, STOP! STOP!”

The Silent Man bashes her over the head with his fist, she yelps. Picking up a branding iron, he marques her.

“PLEASE HURT ME, NOT HER. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO HER? ME INSTEAD, PLEASE!” I plead. “DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME, LEAVE HER ALONE.”

Similar but different to the other girl he scalded, the metal symbols burn into her skin, flesh, muscle. Ruby shrieks, a sound that will haunt me even after I die. The numbers he branded her with read 200799.

200799, where have I heard that before?

Ruby’s screams go through me and I shiver. The Man places the iron down and licks her wound. Wouldn’t it burn his tongue? Her screams dullen to sobs as he sticks his tongue out. Sure enough, it’s blistering. He flashes a toothy smile; he really is psychotic. A madman, a lunatic. Crazed, he kisses her again, shoving her head to the side when he’s done.

The Man comes to brand me next. Pushing a different iron into my skin, I experience a pain so unbearable I black out for a few minutes. As I regain consciousness, before I can even open my eyes, I feel queasy and throw up. Unfortunately, there’s nothing in me to throw up, so out comes bile and stomach acids that tastes almost chemical. Reminds me of when I was dehydrated in the Great Australian Heat as a child and I should’ve been hospitalised, but we couldn’t afford it.

Ruby is crying, hyperventilating. I long to hug her.

My entire arm dully aches in contrast to the sharp stinging sensation surrounding the wound. I’m light-headed to the point of seeing dots like an old TV when it goes static. My body feels shook, my face numb. Trying to talk proves difficult.

“Let her go. Leave her.” A husky whisper is all I can muster. Ruby doesn’t need to see this. I don’t want her to see this.

Ruby sniffles through short and shallow breaths. “No, Em, they do much worse when we’re alone.” _They_? So The Silent Man isn’t alone in his endeavour. Perhaps different tyrants are assigned to each of us? But then why am I stuck with only the Silent one? Maybe I should feel grateful I don’t have a dozen at a time.

“Much worse than amputation? Than breaking bones? I can deal with it.”

“But I can’t. I don’t wanna. Not anymore, I don’t think I can do much more.”

“Rubes,” I whisper.

She closes her eyes, sighs deeply and tells me the truth, her tears mix with blood dripping off her face as she does.

“I heard Haycinth say that he doesn’t think I’ll last much longer. Emoni, I’m going to die here. Soon.”

My heart stops. The pain stops. Everything stops.

No, not my Ruby. My best friend Ruby. My ‘sista gurl’ Rubes.

I don’t know how I could survive such a loss; I don’t think I could. I won’t.

“No, we’re gonna get outta here, and we’re gonna find a way back home where we can shop ‘til we drop and gossip and you can do my makeup all the time, I don’t care if you make me look like a whore.” She laughs and hurts her ribs. “We’re gonna go home, sista gurl.” I want to promise, but some part of me surrenders.

The Silent Man chooses now to take her away from me.

“I love you, sista gurl.” Ruby lilts.

“I love _you_ , sista gurl.” My voice breaks and I scream “NO YOU CAN’T TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME, LET HER STAY, KEEP HER HERE. PLEASE.” I can’t see for the tears clouding my vision. I ache emotionally like I’ve never ached before. This feeling of profound loss has me defeated. She’s as good as dead now.

Alone in this room, I’m forced to sit with my vying thoughts and feelings. Never have I wanted death so much in the last week as much as I do now. Now there truly is nothing keeping me alive, apart from these horrible buckles. Damned be I.

I yearn for my demise, not approaching quick enough. They want answers, so answers I’ll give. I start shouting, tempting Doctor Haycinth to check in on his favourite patient.

“HEY, IN HERE, I’M READY TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW. HEY, HAYCINTH, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT, WANT YOU SO DESPERATLEY NEED FROM ME, ALL THE SECRETS...COME ON! I’M READY TO TALK.”

I go on like this for a few hours I guess, until my throat feels tattered and swallowing my own saliva is impossible. I guess they don’t wander the hall out there, monitoring each and every room. I assume there’s quite a few. I hear more noises beyond my wall. I don’t know how much time has passed since I finished yelling but if they expect me to be able to speak now, they’re sadly mistaken. The wall makes all the usual noises when the it opens the doorway. I’ve memorised the process by now. Every single detail, apart from the figure of Haycinth and Silent Man.

This is neither of them.


	8. Chapter Eight: Andy

Someone new. Just as abruptly as a glimmer of hope sparks in me, it dies. This very well could be my saviour, or the Devil. The indistinct and unfamiliar silhouette enters my cell apprehensively.  
“I was sent by the Master Doctor to examine your psychological state.” Says the androgynist in front of me.  
“Who are you?” I venture. My voice is a rough whisper.  
“The Master Doctor calls me by ‘Andy.’” Good to know.  
Staring at me that way, I feel lighter than a feather. My muscles aren’t so tight and I don’t have a hint of a headache. I feel sleepy, but good sleepy; not drowsy or tired, just really blissful.  
“I heard you screaming.” Andy says softly. “I’m sorry but I cannot yet do anything to help you. I am a slave here, as trapped as you are.”  
I know that this is supposed to be sad news, but right now I’m just so happy that I’m not in the company of Silent Man. Andy’s presence makes me feel safe and happy. I laugh in spite of everything and Andy looks shocked.  
“Humans are strange indeed.” They remark.  
“…Yeah, I guess we are.” I giggle. “Can you tell me why I feel so good right now?”  
Andy smiles the slightest little smile I’ve ever seen, which makes my heart fill with longing and my stomach with butterflies. I sigh contentedly.  
Walking up close to me-so close to me, I hear a whisper; “I’m so sorry, but you just have to hold on another week. We’ll get you out of here.”  
As Andy turns to leave, I blurt;  
“Andy, why are you leaving? Stay with me, this is nice.”  
“I know.” The door closes and I’m left alone in this prison again, alone with my own sadness.  
W-was I dreaming? That feeling of euphoria that I had just floated in, was that real? The absence of that happiness is startling, so much so that it’s almost like the doom and gloom of my new home is shocking my system; I feel myself shaking.  
I can’t breathe.  
I’m hyperventilating.  
Oh no, not an anxiety attack, of all things, now, of all times.  
                                                       
***  
Before I even open my eyes I feel…safe.  
Peeking through my eyelashes, I see the Silent Man preening over his torture tools. I wonder what he’ll use on me next. He’s not even looking at me, too busy enjoying himself. The sadistic bastard.  
“How long will this take?” A toneless, yet comforting, disembodied voice calls out. “Master Doctor wants to know when he can proceed with his plans.” Andy?  
The Silent Man grunts as a reply.  
“Now, now, Sir, that’s not an answer.”  
The Silent Man stands tall, attempting to intimidate Andy.  
“Tell him I’ll be done when I’m done.” Holy shit he can talk!? I’m unsure if this makes me less or more terrified of him.  
“You’re lucky you’re his only child. He wouldn’t care at all about you if you had wandered in off the streets. Or, out of the woods.”  
Damn! The Silent Man is Haycinth’s kid?  
He spins around sharply, scaring me, I gasp. “SHE’S AWAKE!” he yells, a deep growl.  
“Oh, she’s awake. She’s been awake for the last 10 minutes, listening.” How did Andy know?  
No-longer-Silent-Man punches my side and I wheeze. A warm ache grows from where his fist impacted my ribs, I’m just grateful he didn’t have those damn knuckle busters on. I wince as the thought reminds me of the wound left from that one on my back.  
“It doesn’t matter; she won’t be telling anyone what she’s heard. The dead don’t talk.” Despite what was just said was a threat on my life, the way Andy said it soothes me.  
The Silent Man, who I guess needs a new nickname, calms as well.  
Taking a deep and slow breath, he threatens me, telling me I’ll want it. I’m not clear on what ‘it’ is.  
Andy convinces me this is what I want.  
I want it right now.  
He lightly digs a knife into my skin, as shallow and as sharp as a paper cut.  
His lips meet my lips.  
He steers the knife along my stomach as he kisses me.  
His flingers slide between my lower lips.  
***  
The Silent Man wants me to want it.  
I have wanted it a few times, the pain. Just to get it over with. Waiting is the worst agony.  
During the course of my stay at Torture Inn, I’ve begun to crave his cruelty.  
It’s the only attention I get anymore.  
In he walks, and my senses sharpen; my body becomes ultra-sensitive and my brain is hyper aware of every movement around me, every touch he makes.  
He lusts over the responses he elicits from me. A touch here; a low moan. A prod there; a satisfied sigh. I love the feelings it gives me, but not his reactions. Every smile, every look, makes me want to kick his ass even more when I get out of this thing. He’s conditioned me into liking this abuse so much I know I’m going to Hell for my desires. Right now, I desire to make him wish he were in Hell.  
***  
The Silent Man has left me here alone, unchained. Alone.  
Alone.  
I’m all alone, in the dark. I’ve broken out into random cold sweats, and the room feels damp and muggy-but also warm. Hot.  
I cherish it. Every second alone in the silence is precious. Valuable time that gives me a chance to think.  Although making thoughts is hard. I don’t even know what I’m thinking about.  
Maybe I’m thinking about my parents. How long have I been gone? What must they be thinking? And has the school been informed that we never made it to our destination? Perhaps all the parents of the kids in my class have gone to the police. I guess they would have missing person signs everywhere. The school could very well be sued by scared parents. I’d like to imagine that other students want answers and are protesting…something? The incompetence of…the teachers?  
Or possibly I could be focusing on myself, my wounds, my health. The place seems too medical for them to leave me rot, I doubt these gashes will get infected. Although I’m sure if something were to become contaminated Haycinth and The Silent Man would eagerly watch me slowly decompose due to blood poisoning.  
Since The Silent Man keeps reopening the same wounds – He hasn’t made new ones since the first time he brought that knife to my skin - the gashes on my body haven’t had the chance to heal until now, and I can finally indulge in the pain emanating from them.  
I engage in Mindfulness, bringing my attention to experiencing the present moment. As I close my eyes and take a deep breath in, I imagine my body’s form like a template of an average woman and I can see an orb of light expanding to the size of a tennis ball at my left ankle. The light moves up that leg and when it encounters the first trauma it stops so I can observe the soreness radiating from it.  
A dull ache, I can move my attention along to the next injured mark, and one after another from thereon upwards. With each cut and slice and tear and slit, I wallow in feelings, feelings I like.  
By the time I’ve mentally examined all the incisions, I have learned to appreciate pain, physically and mentally, or emotionally and spiritually, or some sort of combination of the lot.  
It’s not so much that I want to kill myself but its more just that I don’t wanna exist, don’t wanna be alive.  
My life is just so needlessly difficult and everything in it requires way too much effort.  
It’d be so effortless to die.  
Something’s happening inside me, my chest constricts, my body stiffens. I’m feeling panicky and I might throw up.  
Oh man, here comes that Anxiety.  
Think nice thoughts, pleasant thoughts; the feeling of satisfaction, what is something that would make me happy?  
Going home. Returning to my parents. Making sure that all of here get out and acquire help from an actual hospital.  
Getting better.  
Getting revenge.  
I imagine leaping onto The Silent Man’s back, the motion forcing him face forward to the ground. I’d grab his weapon from his hand and turn it on him. But would I be able to use it? Wouldn’t I hesitate, because I can’t hurt someone? Or would I be so overcome with rage, and want to hurt him in more ways than he’s hurt me?  
No, I should go for Haycinth, he’s the Big Bad Boss Man.  
Violence, I find myself smiling at the thought of me carrying out these  
It’s decided; I shall wait for the most opportune time.  
I’ll wait.  
And wait.  
Wait.  
***

I don’t know how much time has passed until Haycinth walks in again. He looks…tired. Exhausted. My friend The Silent Man is with him of course.  
“Don’t mind me, Miss McLaris. You should take pride in your taste of friends, that girl is feisty.” He walks forward with a stiffness, like he can’t bend his knee or he hurt his back or something.  
Who’s feisty? Ruby could very well be dead by now; I don’t know how many days it’s been since I saw her last. Oh no, what if that truly was the last time I’ll ever see her? If she is dead, maybe she’s at peace. There’s no ghost Haycinth or Silent Man to terrorize her now. It’d be selfish of me to hope that Ruby’s okay.  
“Miss Newell hits back.” Of course she does, my girl. Damn, she must be messed up now, if she wasn’t already before. “But it’s ok, I taught her what’s what. She knows now that I’m the boss. Not a doubt in her mind.”  
“Don’t talk about her like that.” I spit at him.  
Wiping his face, he proceeds; “That bitch learned her lesson, not gracefully, I might say. Ruby is a screamer. Did you know that?”  
“SHUT UP!”  
“She squirmed under me, she writhed- “  
“I SAID SHUT UP, YOU BASTARD!” I lunge at him from my lonely spot in the corner and I knock him to the cold hard ground.  
Something smacks, and then a crushing sound, and fists are hitting in every direction. I think I’m hitting Haycinth, but then The Silent Man pulls me off and holds me up in place for Haycinth to recovers.  
Yes, there’s blood pouring down his face. I think I broke his nose. Looking at him now, taking him all in, he still looks intimidating. Maybe it’s because I know his personality. If he were just a man walking down the street no one would pay him any special attention. But I can see the evil is his smirk, the bloodlust in his eyes.  
He wipes his face on his gloved hand-not his arm?-and then-  
Thump.  
I howl as he brings his fist back for another shot at my now exposed stomach. During the fight my singlet crawled up my torso. Direct impact to all my unprotected lacerations.  
The third time he connects with my face. I can feel the skin split to make way for a valley on my cheek.  
He stops to look at The Silent Man.  
With a slight nod, he heads to the door.  
“Teach her what happens when she misbehaves.” Haycinth’s booming voices fades to an echo as he exists the room.  
A smile adorns The Silent Man’s face. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. He advances.  
He kisses me.  
He explores me.  
And finally, He invades me.  
***  
Breathless.  
I can see so many things that could end this suffering forever; knives, wires, skewers. The thought of stabbing myself provokes me in a way I don’t understand.  
Panting.  
Haycinth has left me to the Man, who doesn’t bring in any more friends for me-thank the gods-and Andy must’ve forgotten about me by now.  
Winded.  
I haven’t forgotten about them.  
Enervated.


	9. Chapter Nine: A World on Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OOH THIS ONE MIGHT BE TRIGGERING  
> theres some pretty intense torture/smut stuff happening in this one

Everything's in disarray. My emotions are getting tangled with my feelings and the confusion is so overwhelming it's nearly disabling.  
I can't sort out my thoughts. I can get the beginnings of an idea and then it just-well, it doesn't even vanish, it just stops.  
My mind is functioning like a computer program right now and 'error' keeps displaying. The thoughts slow down and become more incomprehensible and then scattered words are thrown at me chaotically.   
All I can think about is how satisfying it felt to break his stupid nose on his stupid face. He made me so mad I just wanted to snap his damn neck. But that crack, that crunch, oh, it was the sound of joy.   
Pure bliss.  
I imagine what sound a spine makes when it breaks. Maybe The Silent Man will indulge me, and I'll hear my own.   
All I want is to die. If I had a genie and one wish-wait, genies grant 3. And I'd probably just use the first one to wish that this never happened. That it was still the morning we left for camp. Hmm, what's the point? Genies don't even exist so why hope...  
"Hello?"  
Jump-scare! Shit, I didn't even notice the wall-door opening. It's Andy, of course it's Andy.  
I take a minute to catch my breath-when did my breath leave? -and I speak uncertainly; "Hi."  
"Ok, I've fixed the camera, we've got about 10 minutes, but I'll make it quicker. Emoni, please listen to me, what I'm about to tell you is the truth."  
Andy sounds scared. Talking fast and moving faster towards me, they continue.   
"I'm working with your brother." We're really doing this again? I refuse to believe he's real.  
I scoff. "Oh, so I'm supposed to believe it's true then? Because now you're saying it too? Why are you all in on lying to me? I'm already cut up and messed up physically, my mind can't take much more."  
Andy begin to loosen all the straps trapping me. They look up and I see hurt and confusion in those big silver eyes. "He's real, Emoni."  
Something in them, their eyes, seems to be telling the truth.  
"No Miss McLaris?" I stab. Usually I feel better around Andy but right now I'm just pissed off.   
"I-I helped Lowen run and hide, and I promised him I'd protect you when you came here."  
How could they have told him...? Is Andy still in contact with him?  
"You...told him I was here? How?"  
Andy pauses and sighs. "I doubt I'll have time to explain it all right now, but I need you to trust me. A few months before he turned 18, I found out that Haycinth was planning to kill him. Something about how dangerous he was becoming."  
They get back to work on-well I'm not sure what Andy's doing actually. Flittering around the room moving and rearranging things.   
Curiosity wins out. "What are you doing, Andy?"  
"Setting up, we must be prepared. This must go right." They seem to have finished because they walked back to me and kept on about Lowen.  
"I-Haycinth wanted me to do it. He wanted me to be the one to kill your brother, Emoni. Lowen and I-," they struggle to find the right words "we had developed somewhat of a relationship over the years. We were actually in the same class when we were younger." Andy smiles and I am saddened.  
"I couldn't let it happen-so I helped him get out. And before he left, he made me promise that I would come back with you, this month. Tomorrow at dusk. So, just try to rest up, preserve your strength. Be ready."  
"Andy wait don't go!" I exclaim as they walk away, stopping them in their tracks. "How will I know when dusk is? There's no clock in here."   
Andy goes on and the door forms back, cutting her off from my sight, cutting off my half-hearted laugh at my own pathetic dad-joke.  
***

How long have I been here? Where even is here?   
My conversation with Andy repeats in my head. I've gone over it a thousand times and it still doesn't make sense. Well, it makes sense, but I just don't believe it. I Can't believe it. My parents...  
Would Lowen want to see them again? Or would he feel betrayed? Like they left him? Unanswerable questions swimming through my head and it's all just too much.  
The Silent Man returns, hopefully for the last time, if I really believe Andy. Huh, how do they expect me to save my strength when this guy's around?  
I really do want to believe them, but can't even trust my own senses, how could I trust anyone or anything anymore?   
"Hey, baby, what are we gonna do today?" I know this will earn me more punishment, but part of me doesn't mind. Part of me wants more.  
His lips hit mine and I feel light fingers find my thigh. I kiss him back because there's nothing else to do. He's in charge, we both know it.   
Actually, his lips aren't too bad. Of course I'd rather not be in this situation, but this is the least he can do to me.   
I groan roughly as he unclothes me waist-down.  
Something sticks my leg. I involuntarily pull away from his face, which just makes him angry. Smashing our faces together, I feel that what stabbed me was a knife, now moving slowly closer to my pubic area. I close my eyes and try to imagine I'm somewhere else.  
He draws away from the kiss and squats down, head level to my privacy, which he keeps going at with the knife. I see know that it is quite small and he carves lines with it delicately, matching my stretch marks.   
It's almost like he's making art. Like I'm a clay statue and he's just putting the finishing touches on his project. Oh, damn, I'm his Project. Haycinth's Project, Lowen 2.0.   
After about 7 agonising slices, he changes instruments. Something that reminds me of Year 8 science.  
He crouches again, maintaining eye contact until he reaches the same spot. He kisses me, and I shiver. So many new sensations I never knew the body could feel. Feelings that should be illegal. It was just a soft kiss, I hardly understood what was happening.  
Feelings are overrated. This is nothing short of invasion. Trespassing.   
But then he kisses me again, deeper...  
...and my hips move without my permission. My body is disobeying me, disrespecting me...but oh, who cares when his tongue explores more of my unexplored parts.   
Forget about the clay statue, I'm a map with a missing piece. Like in a pirate movie, he's just found that piece and it's leading him to treasure I didn't know I had.  
I think I love it and I've begun to cry soundlessly.   
That is until he leaves me and I feel my own heat. No that isn't me. It's separate from me, and it's moving. The smell of gas triggers a memory.  
That new thing The Silent Man picked up was a Bunsen Burner.  
He brings it closer to my thighs and I'm reminded of the cuts he made there only a few moments ago.   
The flames lick at my skin and it's so hot and it takes over everything, my whole world enveloped by fire and I can't think.   
I can't see.   
I can't hear my screams.   
I must be ripping something in my throat -I taste blood. Metal-y, sharp. I wonder if I will drown in my own saliva-it would be a better way to go than this, than anything they've done to me here.  
He moves my folds around to reach all the hidden parts with his own fingers, which delve into me knuckle-deep. I clench automatically, which only makes things worse. He grunts and I scrunch my eyes tightly shut.   
There's no pretending I'm not here, no pretending at all. I am here, whether by bad luck or fate, I am here. I'm sure I'm not supposed to be anywhere but here.  
Even closing my eyes doesn't change the situation. I still see fire.  
Only fire.   
***  
"Wake up, kid! Emoni get up!"   
I'm shaken awake somewhat violently by Andy. Everything is blurry and fuzzy and vague, in my sight and my body, but I can tell it's them by the small amount of happiness I sense growing in me.  
"What's up, Andy?" I yawn, momentarily forgetting where I am.  
"We're nearly ready."  
"Oh, to leave? To break out?"  
They eye me like I'm stupid and say 'yes'.   
"We'll be helped by other Staff." Upon my look of disbelief, they explain further; "We're not all Haycinth, we're not all Evil."   
"Sure."  
"I'm not." And somehow I know it.  
I nod, I'm told 'I'll see you soon', and I hope they're right.   
***  
Sometime later, Andy comes back. And I don't feel restored.  
"Alright, let's go!" They say, so enthusiastically that it makes my ears numb.  
I groan. "No, don't bother."  
A gasp. "What?"  
"Just let me die here. I'm in too much pain to move anyway."  
"I can fix that, if just for a while. It will be long enough." They seem adamant on this.  
Uh, I'm so frustrated. "No, I don't think I can trust you. There's something about you that I...I just-leave. Please leave." I shake my head in defeat. Once Andy has made it clear they will not be leaving, I sigh. "When you were here before, I felt as if we were friends...like we had always been friends. You made-make-me feel so safe and happy. But as soon as you left, I remembered what he did to me. The pain came back in a wave, a freaking tsunami."  
"Oh, Emoni. I am so sorry, but I can fix that too. If you let me."  
"No, I won't let you! I don't want to be feeling like..." like I like you. "What is it about you? It's like my heart betrays me when you're around...I don't think I can like you, if when you leave I get so down, I crash from your high. Don't you get it? It's hopeless. I'm all alone, Andy. I'm all alone."  
"I've been alone, surrounded by darkness. I've seen how heartless this world can be. Not just Haycinth. And every time I walk in here and I see you crying, my heart shrivels. Because I don't want to see these things happen to you, I don't want them to happen at all. And I know exactly how you feel." Andy rolls their sleeve up to reveal scars and raised bumps similar to mine.   
"I know you've lost hope. I know that you think you're alone, and that maybe you think that you always have been. But you're not alone, baby. Can't you see? Because you're here with me, and I am here with you. And nothing is going to stop us. Ever."  
I decide to let them help me.  
"Come on. The time is now." Andy says as the door opens.


	10. Chapter Ten: Breaking Out

Outside my cell.  
I’m finally out of that thing. And now I’m in a big circular rooms, the curved wall blank, bar from signs-numbers-spread around evenly.  
I turn around at the sound of my wall-door fizzling shut. Andy is doing something to the lock. Bringing my attention back to these numbers, the one directly across from my cell catches my eyes.  
200799  
I know that damn number!  
I run to it and bang on the wall-door.  
“HELLO?” I scream. “Who’s in there?”  
“HELP” It’s Ruby.  
“oh my gosh, RUBY! Ruby! It’s Ruby!” I can’t tell how this stupid thing opens. “Andy! Help me with door! Andy!”  
They’re just standing there. “The plan is just you.” Andy says quietly.  
What?  
“But…it’s Ruby.” I beg. “You may not understand this, but she’s my sister and I’m not leaving this place without her. And what about the other prisoners? I guess there are others, more than just my own class. They don’t deserve this-no one deserves this.”  
I implore Andy to realise that this is more than me or them.  
“Andy,” my voice now a desperate whisper. “Please.”  
They sigh soundlessly and walk on over and do the same they did to my door, but in reverse. The wall does its thing, slower than usual. It’s agony waiting. I need to get to Ruby right now.  
Now.  
It opens up and I see her drenched in what I hope is only sweat, hanging from a contraption very different from what I was held in. She’s hanging above a pool of partially dried blood. I remember for the first time what I’m wearing when my bare feet meet the sticky floor. Ruby and I are both still in black pyjama-like pants and black singlets.   
“EM!” she gasps. “Em, Em, Em! Please help me!”  
“Take your time.” Andy says impatiently.  
“We’re gonna get you outta here.” I promise while untying her. She falls onto and I expect the extra weight to stress my body, but Andy’s trick hold ups. “Alright, come on let’s go.”  
I walk Ruby out of her cell, which closes behind us. “Andy, the next door!” I shout, then inspect Ruby’s wounds. “Where are you hurt? We’ll help you, Andy can help you.”   
“How?” she says faintly. “Who’s Andy?”  
“Over there,” I nod. “They helped me…I don’t know…forget about my pain. When they’re around, it’s like I was never hurt, and I’m happy for it.” I blush. Why am I blushing? Damn.   
I hear Andy command the other two inmates they just released. Ruby and I both turn our heads to see Andy giving cards to our classmates Tiblyn Esta and a red-haired boy I’ve never seen before.   
“These cards will open all the doors, get everyone out at that end of the corridor. I’ll stay here and do these ones, then we’ll meet up in the middle and head down the left passage.”  
Tiblyn and the boy look in shock but they do what they’re told anyway as they walk past us, he catches my eye and gestures to indicate he does not know what’s going on, and honestly, I agree.  
Andy tells me to help Ruby get to the meeting point because by that time they will have opened all the rest of the doors. Andy’s the boss, so I don’t question it.  
They were right of course. By the time Tiblyn and the boy have returned with many people following and Andy has lead the rest to the T-section, there about 40 of us. For the amount of people here, it sure is quiet.   
Andy takes front position and announces the plan.  
“We’re going to stay together, and we’re going to be soundless. Down this hall and to the right we’ll meet up with other Staff who are on our side. There’s not much time to explain, but a lot of us come from where you all are now, so...” they trail off.  
Andy starts again, this time with a stone cold face. “They’ll have weapons, but not enough for everyone. They will be distributed equally amongst Staff and prisoners, who will form a wall around the weak until we get to the Ship. Of course, in the Staff there are doctors, so hopefully we can get you all patched up once we leave. Alright, that’s it, no more talking. Let’s go.”  
True to Andy’s word, down a bit and to the right there are maybe around 20 to 30 Staff, accessorised with Tasers, guns, batons. All of them look confused, mad. A dark-skinned woman consults Andy, and I’m close enough to hear it.  
“Change of plan…” Andy starts.  
“How do you expect us to get them all out? The arrangement was the Anomaly’s sister and us.” She seethes. “That was supposed to be it.”  
“Well, they’re all here now so we continue on. Improvise!” Andy doesn’t sound convincing, but the woman groans and holds out a gun to me.  
I accept it with a smile, and nod to the rest of our group to show them that this won’t work without trust.   
It works. Slowly, the separate brackets merge into one big mass and as I stand next to Andy on the outskirt of it all, I feel a weak but real smile grow on my face. This is going to work.  
Looking at the cluster in front of us, I see people smile at each other, even though I’m sure they are all close to death. Ruby and I recognise a few other faces. Ruby limps over to one of Fin’s friends and his face softens sadly. She yells out and puts her arms around him and sobs. I guess Fin himself is gone.  
As much as I want to be there for her right now, I must stand by Andy. No one here seems to want to trust them. I choose to stay ahead of the pack with them and another Staff guy with brown hair who has gravitated to us.   
They lead us left, right, right, left, right, up, down, east, west, north south.  
I don’t know directions.  
It feels like we’ve been creeping through this haunted facility for aeons. Perhaps because half of us are injured, and Andy seems to be the only one with emotional powers, or any at all.  
At every turn and corner, the brunette boy beside Andy-who acts as an advance guard, a second in charge-checks that we are in the clear to move onward.   
Finally-after thousands of hallways-we enter a big room that looks like an old aircraft hangar turned storage place. Of course, the Ships are there. Most are hiding under dusty covers, except one.   
“This is it, we’ve made it.” The dark skinned third in command stated. “I expected more of a struggle.” Nearly surprised at how easy this is.  
We follow Andy to the Ship, but before anyone reaches it-  
An explosion.  
A loud voice yells;  
“HALT!” Or we WILL SHOOT!”   
It’s The Silent Man. I forgot he could talk.  
He and all his Staff buddies are armed and look angry. Our Staff with weapons all shift to make a barrier between the Man and the weak. I notice this and move with them, encouraging the strong among us to copy. Not many do, but a boy I hadn’t took the time to look at until now stood beside me, handing me another gun. It’s Fin.  
‘What the f-‘ I mouth at him, cut off by a bullet whooshing past us.   
“Oh shit, let’s get ‘em!” is Fin’s war cry. We all bounce into action against the evil group, backing up so as to protect the rest while they run to the Ship. Andy is there, the door is sliding open, the ramp sliding out.   
“Go on! Get in here!” They roar, ushering in terrified inmates. “Move it! Get!”  
As we keep stepping backwards I scream louder and louder, until my heel hits something raised-the ramp. One last bellow as I empty the bullets of my gun out and around, not bothering to aim. I figure something will hit someone. Watching The Silent Man yelp and then growl with pain- yes, someone hit that prick! – a hand grabs my shoulder and I’m yanked down and away from the now closing door.   
People inside the Ship are frantic, like ants. They are all suffering and I don’t know what to do.  
Ruby!  
“Ruby?” I search for my best friend, but everything and everyone is going so fast and it’s all in overload. “Ruby!”  
I push past people, shoving, too worried to be polite. I realise that by bumping into others I may be further hurting them, but I don’t care.   
I only care about getting to Ruby.  
I’m hearing like I’m under water, and seeing like it, too-faces and bodies are blurry. How am I going to find her?  
The Ship makes noises and movements and I hear someone- a child? -scream. I see a lone red head leaning against a wall. A short, hold on, no, a crippled man doubling over with a pink haze helping to lift him into a nearby chair. None of these are Ruby.  
I crash into a Staff member who immediately catches me. “Are you alright?” What a dumb question. “A dumb question, I know. I mean, do you need assistance, medical attention?” The older lady explains herself.  
Probably. “No,” I say. “I need to find Ruby.”  
“Darling, I don’t know who that is. What does she look like?” What is she, a supermarket employee helping a lost child their mother? “I could help you find her.”  
“No, it’s okay, I’m okay I just need to find my friend.” I run off in another direction, away from questions, my mind full of my own questions. Where is Ruby? Did she even get on the Ship? Is she still out there?   
“We have to go back.” I utter to no one. Dread fills my stomach but I march on.  
“Ruby!” Maybe she can’t hear me, or I’m too quiet. Maybe some Med Staff have already sedated her or something.  
“Emoni!” I feel joy at the need in that voice calling for me. But who is it? “EM!” I’m nearly knocked over by the full force of Fin, who’s crying.  
“Where’s Ruby?”  
“Over this way, I didn’t want to leave her but she was begging for you and fighting the damn doctors. You gotta calm her down so they can fix her, please, come on!” He takes my hand and hurriedly weaves us through this ocean of people.  
“Here.” He whispers, satisfied he’s completed his mission.  
I fling myself down to her level-they have her on a gurney. She’s on her back fighting tooth and nail, screaming, I get bits of “Em, Emoni!” and “Fin! Baby, where are you?” and “Get off me, don’t touch me, leave me alone, let me die.”  
I grab her wrists hard and say “Ruby! Honey, it’s me!”  
She looks at me, and I’ve never seen deeper into her soul. She’s stopped flailing and her ragged breathing starts to slow down.   
“Em!” She whimpers. “Don’t leave me.”  
“I won’t.”  
“Emoni, you’re hurt!”  
“Girl what about you?” I laugh at the absurdness to try to and lighten the mood, and she joins in.  
“Ha, I’m the one on my death bed and I’m worried about you.”   
Well, there goes that. “You’re not dying, Ruby. Don’t say that, that’s stupid. These guys will help.” We both look up at the 4 Med Staff crowded around us who only respond by saying;  
“Alright, let’s lift her up. 1, 2, 3!”   
And they carry her into a room-this Ship has rooms? - where they lay her down on a hospital bed. The room is big and fits about 10 single beds with racks beside each. There are already 3 beds taken by an elderly man, someone who looks my age-18, and a child.  
A child! I thought I heard them before, I can’t believe there’s a kid here.   
“Em,” Fin says delicately. “They’re gonna knock her out, let her sleep. They can’t help everyone at once.”  
“Yeah, yeah sure. That makes sense.” Nothing makes sense at the moment but whatever.   
We leave the hospital room together, surprised to see another room exactly like it right outside the door.   
“I’m going to see if I can help.” I can feel Andy’s power fading within me. Maybe if I pretend I’m helping they’ll put me out sooner rather than later.


	11. Chapter Eleven: Hero in Plain Blankets

I was incorrect. Instead of the Med Staff just putting me to sleep, Andy demanded that they look me over and restore me ASAP.   
“I’ve got Mel, my third, at the controls.” Andy declares at my bedside. “I can be here with you the whole time.”  
“Yeah, well, I promised Ruby that but here I am.” I scoff. Eyeing the Med Staff, I add; “They’ll kick you out.”  
“I think you’re forgetting that I’m the boss here.” They smile.  
A Med clears their throat, butting into our conversation. “We’ll be ready to examine you soon. Put your clothes in this bag, please. A Med female will be with you in a few minutes.” He puts the bag down and pulls the curtain closest to him to meet the far one and they magnetically seal together.  
I grab the hem of my shirt and start to lift it.  
“Do you want me to leave? I’ll leave.” Andy says awkwardly as they begin to pull back the privacy curtain.  
“Oh,” It didn’t even cross my mind that that could be weird. “It’s ok, I might need a hand to hold anyway.” I smirk and they sit back down on the floaty chair next to my bed.  
I wince one my arms are level to my chest; I’ve hurt my side. Andy comes to my aid.  
“I’d close my eyes, but I don’t know how much help I’d be blind.” They half joke.  
“Don’t worry, we’re both girls here.” I jab.  
Andy coughs unexpectedly and violently.   
“You right?”   
They sigh and then snicker. “Um, not really. I mean, yes, I’m alright, but I’m…I’m not a-a girl”   
Huh?  
“I was born a female, but I could never really understand, on an emotional, personal level the point of gender. As a social construct.”  
For someone so confident and skilled, they are quite timid. I love it.  
“…so, ‘they/them’?” I guess.  
Andy nods. “Yes, those are my preferred pronouns. Thanks.”  
Pfft, for what? Being nice.  
They blink at the ground shyly, then brings their eyes to me. Wow, they’re so…silver, and pure. “Thank you.” Andy says with meaning.  
“Sure.” I whisper.  
They lean their torso closer to mine, and I’m still staring at their eyes. In them, I see hope. A warm but soft hope.  
I lick my lips, I’m not scared. I’m ready.  
And then they stop and say “Let’s get back to this shirt.”  
I snap out of whatever that was, and agree, clearing my throat. “Sure.”  
We work together, manoeuvring my elbows and shoulders and eventually I’m free of the shirt. Andy puts it in the bag provided.  
“Oh.” And that’s all there is to it.  
“What?” Are they embarrassed because I’m naked?   
“You’re, um, your nipple piercings…are, um…”  
I look down and see purple-green bruises, scabs and cuts set out on my stomach and chest, and my nipples are swollen and darker than usual. There is dried blood and pus on the bars.  
Well, this isn’t how I imagined being naked in front of Andy for the first time. Not that I have, imagined, that is.   
“Damn.” Is what I muster up.  
“That must…”  
“Hurt? Nah, not really. Your power is really strong”  
Andy looks confused. “I’m not using my power, Emoni. It’s all you. Has been since we caught up with the Staff. I guess you’re stronger than either of us thought.”  
I guess so.  
“Are you ready in there?” A voice calls out. Andy flinches, but I’m lost in their beautiful face.  
“One minute!” I call, a little louder than necessary. “You can back down if you want, Andy.”  
They move to the left where the chair is as I gently ease off my pants, parts stuck to my skin with undistinguishable bodily fluid.   
“Um, could you actually help me please?”  
“Sure, darling.” She appears from the join in the double curtains. It’s the lady from before, when I was trying to find Ruby. “Oh,” She gasps at the sight of my skin, but tries to conceal it with a quick-following “hi, you.”  
“My pants; they’re stuck.”   
“Well that’s an easy fix, don’t you worry.” She takes some scissors from the shelf on the right of the bed. “My name’s Sasha, and you?”  
“Emoni.”  
“Emoni…?” she fishes for more.  
I begrudgingly give. “McLaris. Does it matter?”  
“Oh, yes dear. We may as well learn everything about each other; we’ll be together on this Ship for a few months I daresay.”  
“A few MONTHS?” What the hell! “Andy? Is that true?”   
“Yes.” They admit. “I haven’t declared it yet, or any other part of the plan. I’m waiting until everyone has been examined, showered and eaten. I don’t want to give extra stress.”  
“Yeah, okay. Well, let’s get to it Sasha, I want to hear the rest of the plan.”  
All the while, she has been cutting me out of my pants, and now she brings a wet cloth to the places where the fabric is still glued to my skin. It’s warm; I was expecting cold. Now Sasha is able to peel off the remaining pieces, placing the torn up pants in the bag. She ties it shut and it incinerates itself.  
“We’ll clean up these wounds with some cloths, rather than letting you shower on your own.”  
I’m disappointed that I won’t be showering anytime soon, but I love the thought of a sponge bath.  
“Well, after what I’ve been through, I deserve to be pampered.”   
“Hmm, we all deserve to be pampered.” Sasha agrees. It doesn’t take too long until she’s done.  
I ask “Can we get a mirror in here so I can see myself?” and she and Andy look at each other with wide eyes.  
“Sorry, darling, we don’t think that’s a good idea. We don’t want people to freak out entirely.” Sasha responds.   
“Yeah, there’s too much going on at the moment.” Andy adds.  
“Okay, so what next, then?” I back down.   
“A close inspection of your injuries, and then I’ll dress them up.” Sasha says sadly. “We’ll start with your legs, I’m already at it.”  
After stitching up a few cuts, dressing some other wounds and bandaging my limbs, she seems happy with the done job.  
Bringing around a big contraption that looks kind of scary, she presses some buttons on it. “This will scan you, your muscles and bones, internal organs and all. Just to make sure there’s nothing wrong we can’t see with our own eyes.”  
Oh, it’s an x-ray machine. On its screen, it shows a diagram of my body, excluding the outer contusions. Two ribs in my right ribcage show up red, as well as my stomach.   
“So, you, Little Miss, see to have two fractured or broken ribs. As for your stomach, something may have burst. The scans aren’t as accurate as we would hope.” Sasha explains. “Are you having trouble breathing?”  
“No, I feel fine actually.”  
Suddenly, someone shouts. “Calling all Med Staff, we need all Med Staff immediately. Please come to Room 3, which we have dubbed the Consult Room. Now. Uh, also, Andy, we need you, too.”  
“I must go.” Sasha leaves with a concerned look. “I should be back…” she ends with a shrug.  
“Why do they need you?” I ask Andy. “Is everything alright?”  
“How am I supposed to know when you won’t you let go of my hand?” they smirk. I bring the blanket up to cover me and watch them follow Sasha.  
I shiver although I don’t feel cold. I hope they’ll be back soon.  
***  
Probably about 40 minutes later, I hear Andy’s voice through the Ships speakers that I can’t locate.  
“If everyone would gather in Area 1 for a more personal dialogue in the next 10 minutes, thank you all. I will share all my information then. Are 1 is where we all entered the Ship.”  
I look around for my clothes and then remember they burnt to ash in that bag. I’m already wrapped in a blanket, so I stand up and let it fall so I can turn it the right way around me again. Even folded double it still drapes to the ground. I’m sure no one will care.  
Pushing past the curtains, I see some other patients had the same idea as me, but a few choose to go bear. We all take our own time, some limping, some looking faint. When we get there, Andy and the most Staff are already hanging around, Andy flanked by Mel and the boy.   
They wait until everyone has settled to start talking.  
“My name is Andy, my pronouns are they/them, and I will be acting as Captain. Well, I am the Captain of this Ship, built it myself. Programed her, too. I call her Baby. She is the AI autopilot and I expect you all to be nice to her, as with yourselves.” Andy must not have much practise at public speaking, they fumble a lot. “Say hi, Baby.”  
“Hello, Andy.” The Ship replies. The crowd murmur excitedly. “Hello, everybody else. I hope we grow to be friends.” Baby sounds polite enough.  
Andy looks proud. “This Ship can hold up to 175 people, and we are 70 in total, so there’s a lot of free space. I thought you’d be happy to now that we won’t be crowded.”   
They point to the boy of the left of them. “This is Jael. My second in command. If I’m ever not able to be in control, my duties fall to him.” Jael waves with a sheepish grin.   
On their right side is Mel. “This here is Mel, my third. She is my adviser, think of her as your advocate.”  
Andy could’ve chosen a friendlier face.  
“So this is Area 1, where I will be speaking from time to time, otherwise I will just use the coms, as I did before. This door behind us leads to the control room, and the door to my right is my own bedroom, uh, the Captain’s Quarters.  
You will find that along this right side of the ship is most of the other sleeping areas. I’m not apologising that everyone doesn’t have their own rooms, so you better get over that real quick. Each sleeping room has 35 beds. There are five sleeping rooms, the first 3 are labelled A, B and C. Sleeping room 4 is for the Med Staff, located right next to the Med Store Room at the end of the Ship’s hallway. Room 5 is for the other Staff which I will get to shortly.   
Coming up on the left side are Med Rooms 1 and 2, for patients. Next to those is Room 3, The Consult Room. After that is the Staff Sleeping Area, followed by the communal bathroom.  
Okay, so that’s the layout of the Ship. Now, what you’ve all been waiting for; answers.   
You all come from different planets, but most of you from Earth. Some of here have been in MAZ for a lot longer than others, and you’ve all been hurt. While you were there some other Staff- those who stayed behind, those who believe in Haycinth-put barcodes on you. Engraved into your ribs, it serves to count and track you. We must remove the ribs before we go any further.   
But don’t panic, it will be painless. This week the Meds will operate on each of you to remove the coded ribs. Once that’s done, we will begin our journey to Oasis, a safe planet where I have contacts who helped me to get you out.”  
They look at me and smile. “A few years back, I helped a boy named Lowen Stanis escape. Last week, his sister Emoni showed up. We knew she would, and we had planned for me to get her out but her big heart saved the rest of you. Lowen runs a Home for people and aliens alike who don’t have one. These siblings are our saviours.”  
“Where’s Emoni?” someone in the crowd shouts. Everyone starts to murmur and I can’t hear a single word, just excited buzzing.  
I walk up to Andy and look at them all, the first time I’m really seeing anyone.   
“I’m Emoni.” I chirp.  
The people start cheering. Like, applauding, whistling. I’m a Hero in Plain Blankets.


	12. Chapter Twelve: Helios

As Andy instructed, the operations have begun today. Ruby and I are in the first round of patients to get ribs removed. Everyone who is able is to shower beforehand. A lot of people need assistance so some are showering together. We’re all scared to go under the knife.  
I know that I will be unconscious, and I know that they have medication to rid the pain, but I’m still terrified when the Med Staff tell me to lie down on the gurney.   
“We’ll be extra careful with you, Saviour.” One of them says as they cover my nakedness with a blanket.   
Saviour.  
Is this my title now? It doesn’t really roll off the tongue.   
I’m no one’s Saviour. It should be Andy and Lowen getting this recognition, they’re the ones who deserve it.   
They roll my bed into the Operation Room, where I see four other beds occupied by Ruby and three more I don’t know.   
When she notices me, she tries to sit up but the Meds keep her down. Once they have prepared, they begin closing the curtains between each bed and Ruby says “Good luck, Sista Gurl” before we are separated again.   
“You too, Sista Gurl.” I whisper.  
The Meds jab a needle into the crook of my elbow and it feels ice cold as something mixes with my blood.   
“Okay, Saviour, we need you to count down from 10.”  
“Ten, nine, eight.” I’m suddenly so tired I yawn the last one.  
“Seven…”  
***  
“Okay, thank you.” I hear Andy mumble. I open my eyes but the room is so dark that I see nothing. I think I’ve opened my eyes.  
“Andy?” I panic, reaching out for them blindly.   
They grab my hands. “Hey, it’s me, I’m here.”  
“Hi.” I’m glad it’s dark because I don’t want them to see me blushing.  
“Hi.” They whisper back.  
“Why’s it so dark?” I ask.  
“It’s not that bad, your eyes are still adjusting.”  
“Okay. Why are we whispering though?”  
“Because other patients are sleeping. We’re in Med Room 1. You’re all fixed.”   
“The rib’s gone?”  
“The rib is gone.” they confirm. I can make out their form sitting on a chair beside my bed, Andy’s silver eyes even more stunning in the dark.   
“Cool.”  
We sit in comfortable silence as my vision slowly comes back. They’re right; the room isn’t much dark. Dull, but not too bad.   
“You hungry?”   
Not really. “Sure.”   
Andy brings around a floating tray with soft food and drinks stacked upon it.   
I slurp into a bowl of soup and I hear a magical laugh.  
“You can have something, too, ya know.” I grin. Beaming, they take a jelly cup.   
“This soup has no flavour; tastes like burnt water.”  
Andy jumps at the chance to answer “And you’ve had burnt water before? What’s that like?”  
“This soup.” I chortle.  
Nothing either of has said is particularly humorous, but we find it funny.   
“I’m glad you’re in such a good mood.” They say.  
“You would know.” I bat.  
“No, I’m not doing anything. For some reason my…abilities don’t work in space.”  
“Well, technically, we’re always in space. Planets are in space; this Ship is in space…”  
Andy chuckles. “You’re loopy from the meds.”  
“I’m just appreciating your companionship.”   
“Ok, honey. Sure.”   
The Ship abruptly speaks. “Andy, Med Staff Sasha is requesting you now in Room 3, The Consult Room.”  
Andy’s face falls. “Thank you, Baby. Tell her I’ll be there shortly.” They say to me; “I better go. I don’t know how long I’ll be, so don’t wait up. But I will be back eventually.” With a weak smile Andy leaves.  
Climbing out of the bed, I kick the blankets back. There is a dressing gown and slippers nearby, which I put on. I’m kind of scared to see what’s behind the curtain but I pull it around anyway. Med Room 1 is shockingly empty, until I remember that we were the first round of patients. As each group of 5 comes in to rehabilitate the beds will all become occupied. But for now, I only see 2 people in the row in front of me.  
“Hey Saviour!” It’s the red-haired boy who we released alongside Tiblyn back at MAZ. I walk over to him.  
“Hi.” His right arm is in a cast and there are bruises all over his face.  
His face changes from excitement at seeing me to worry. What he’s worried about, I can’t say.  
“You alright?” “Are you alright?” we ask at the same time.  
I huff, he giggles.  
“I’m Ray Gibson. What’s your name, Saviour?” he sits up in his bed and pats the edge.  
I sit down where he gestured. “Emoni McLaris. I’m not really a saviour, I didn’t do anything.”  
“You stood up to those Staff, said ‘I am Emoni McLaris and I am not leaving here without the rest of these people.’” He flicks his hair out of his eyes, a dusty orange that reminds me of desert sands. “You showed them who you are, showed us who you are. We’d all still be there if it weren’t for you. Most of us could’ve been dead by now. But you saved us.”  
Wow, he really means it. I guess he’s right, though. “Yeah, okay, but just because I’m not selfish shouldn’t mean that I become famous.”  
He nods, blowing a misbehaving chunk of hair that keeps falling over his eyebrows. “Ah, I need a haircut.”  
“We probably all do.” My undercut has grown to an awkward length that I wish away.  
This guy looks nice, friendly. I’d like to make friends but I have no idea what to say next.   
“So, Ray, where’re from?” Oh, what a dumb question. We’re in the hospital he is obviously in pain and I ask him where he’s from? What the hell, Em!  
He looks at me cautiously. Speaking slowly and precisely, he says “Helios.”   
I’ve never heard of it-the only planet I’ve been on is Earth, but I want to sound cultured among these new people. “Okay, yeah, cool, that place is lit.”  
“Was that a pun?” he smiles toothily.  
“No? Why would it have been?”  
Ray shakes his head slightly and his eyes stay on me. “You’re from Earth, aren’t you?  
“Yeah, so?” I act offended.  
“The Earth’s sun isn’t real.”  
“Alright.” I scoff.  
“No, really. Ask Andy. Ask anyone on this Ship not from Earth. The sun exists, but it isn’t what you humans think it is. It’s not a big ball of bright gas in the sky.” Ray Gibson laughs as if our science is the most absurd thing he’s ever heard.   
“There has always been life on Helios. Our race’s history and progress has been pretty on par with yours in terms of discovering new tools and technologies, inventions and such. In fact, our planets used to communicate often, we even had migrants going to and from each planet.   
But in the time of your ancient Greeks, there was a war between our people. Be it political, religious, whatever. There were…opposing ideas that sparked an argument and after the war went on for years and both our planets suffered enough, there was an agreement that everyone would go back to where they came from and there was to be an alliance no more.”  
“I mean wow.” Is all I can say. “That better be true, you better not be bullshitting me.” I joke.  
Ray reaches with his left hand to hold mine. “It’s all the truth. Anyways, after that all happened, the Greeks took our name and turned it into a god. ‘Helios the Sun God’. They called us a fake planet. In the years since, with all these other planets and races advancing and interconnecting everyone still agrees to uphold the lie. All Earthens still believe Helios is their sun.”  
“That’s kind of stupid. And mean, leaving us out of the loop because of something that happened millennia ago. We can go anywhere else. I’m sure people would love to go to Helios. ‘The sun!’” I jump up excitedly-on the verge of an idea-accidentally yanking Ray’s arm with me, causing him to half roll over in the hospital bed.  
“Ah!” he pulls it back and I try to help him to his original position.  
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”  
He laughs it off. “Don’t worry, I’m fine. You were saying?”  
I regain my composure. “Can you imagine? To go somewhere you’ve never been before is an amazing experience, not to mention the publicity it’d get Helios throughout the universe. A new tourist attraction. It could only be great.”  
“Uh okay, sit back down now.” He drags me to down to my seat. “You and I aren’t going to change anything about Earth and its knowledge of…well, anything. I don’t think anyone will. The Earthens will go into panic, not to mention they’ll be mad that they’ve been lied to by all of existence since forever.”   
“Yeah that does make sense, I guess.”   
‘My favourite conspiracy theory is that the sun doesn’t exist.’   
Ryder whispered it in my ear.  
He knew it! That kid knew it! Ryder was onto something our whole world didn’t know…  
“I miss Helios.” Ray says lowly.  
“I’d love to go there one day. I’m sure it’s wonderful. And once everything’s done here, it will still be there waiting for you to go back home to it.”  
“Well, maybe you could come back with me? I never really had any friends there, and I don’t know anyone here.”   
Thankfully, before I can answer I hear Andy calling my name.  
“Uh, I should go. Talk to you later?”  
“Yup. See ya!”   
As I walk over to Andy at my bed, my mind races. What just happened? Was he hitting on me? I must admit he is charming but really? We’re in a hospital, in space, and this guy hits on me?  
Geez, some men are dumb. I’m interested in someone else, anyway.  
“Hey Andy.”   
“Emoni.”   
Ooh, oh no that sounds like bad news.  
“What’s up?” I ask guardedly.  
“Your friend, Ruby Newell,” their eyes drop to the floor and back at me so quickly I almost don’t see it. They shift on their feet. I know something bad is coming. “…she didn’t make it.”  
Oh, no.  
No, no, no, no, no.


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Goodbye, Sista Girl

“No, she’s not, she’s alright.”  
A quiet Andy looks at me gravely.  
“Don’t look at me like that, she’s alright!” I insist. “Back at MAZ I saw her cry about Fin but here he is on the Ship-he never really died, so neither has she.” I need to fight reason.  
“Emoni…I’m sorry but it’s true. Sasha, one of the Med Staff, discovered that the barcodes on everyone’s ribs were programmed to release some type of cancerous chemical, set off by someone in close proximity. Someone on the Ship murdered Ruby.”  
I’m going to find that son of a bitch and kill them.  
“Wait, Em, where are you going?” Andy begs to know.  
“To find whoever killed my best friend.”  
“Listen, I’ve already rounded up all the Staff and there’s no way of telling who did it. It could be more than one person, and I will admit that there are a few Staff who would rather have stayed behind…let’s just say not everyone is here willingly.”  
I have no idea what they’re talking about, all I know is that my Sista Gurl is dead.   
I’d spent so long in MAZ convinced that she had already died from her wounds there. I only accepted it then because I believed that it was also the end for me.   
“Do you want to see the body?”  
No, why the hell would I want to see ‘the’ body? It’s her body, it’s her.   
“Yes.” I croak.  
I follow Andy to whatever room Ruby is in. There’s no hesitation when they walk me up to a table with a sheet that covers her body.   
Andy pulls it back to reveal my friend’s face and I hold my breath. It looks like her, but it isn’t.  
This is not my Ruby.  
My Ruby could very well be out shoe shopping, enjoying sunny weather and eating a strawberry sundae.   
This body cannot move or dance around, walk in heels or appreciate pink ice cream.  
This body isn’t what Ruby was. She was happy in love, the biggest personality in school, my sister. She was so much more than just this body I see in front of me now.  
I feel so empty inside, like I never had a heart; she’s taken it with her.  
I’ve forgotten how to breathe and everything that was in my stomach is now rising up and putting pressure on my chest, constricting my lungs even more. My eyes burn from dryness and my throat is drowning.  
I try to speak but don’t trust that things will stay in my mouth so I wave frantically at Andy, motioning them to follow me. Running seems too dangerous so I walk as fast as I can and Andy catches on and realises that I’m going to be sick-they lead me to a toilet, hold my hair out of the way and rub my back as they make soft noises in a soothing tone.  
“It hurt, it hurts, Andy” I cry. “It all hurts.”  
“Shhh, I know, sweetie, it’s alright.” They say.  
Once I’ve given up everything I have to the toilet bowl, Andy hands me a towel to clean my face.  
“Come on, honey, you’re okay.” They guide me over to a bed. A bed? “Here babygirl, why don’t you have drink, hey?” Andy passes me a glass of tepid water and I sip gratuitously. “Good, good.”  
“Thankyou.” I say. “Where are we?”  
“Doesn’t matter, just have a rest, yeah? You’ll feel better when you wake up.” Andy stands up to walk out, but I won’t let them.  
“No, don’t leave!” I sound so vulnerable and weak, which I guess I am. I grab them around their waist to pull them closer and then we’re both toppling over on the bed.   
Andy fake screams and real laughs, which sets me off giggling; it’s contagious.   
“Okay, calm down before you’re sick again.” They advise.   
“Stay here?” I beg.  
“I’ll stay with you for as long as you want, Emoni.”  
“But, what if I want you forever?”  
“Well, then, Em, I’ll stay with you forever.” We cuddle up to each other, not shy.  
I know it sounds like how you’d comfort a child, but I’m feeling like a child right now; a hug is magical and could cure all my problems.   
It takes a while to find a comfortable position, but as soon as I do it’s lights out.  
***  
“Hey, there she is.” Andy smiles, sitting next to me on the side of the bed.  
I yawn. “Yes, here I am. Where am I? Where are we?”  
“This is my bedroom.” Why did they bring me to their room? I thought it was private. “‘Captain’s Quarters’ is too Pirate-y.”   
“Well, yeah.” I agree.  
“You were out for 19 hours - I don’t know how you did it. I’m kind of impressed, actually.”  
“Depression nap?” Andy looks at me worriedly. “It was a joke, sorry.”  
They sigh. “Well, we have been here nearly 4 days.”  
“Surely not!”  
Andy nods. “Are you feeling any better?”  
“I’m hungry. Where’d you say the kitchen was, again?”  
“There will be people there; I have a kitchenette in here.” They start walking and to my surprise they keep walking - this room is huge, nearly a whole unit. “Also a bathroom. Now, uh, what would you like to eat?”  
“A…toasted ham and cheese croissant. Please. With tomato. And those little green things! What are those little tiny green things called?”  
“Olives?” Andy looks disgusted.  
“No, but yes please.” Olives with ham? Yesterday that would have been so gross, but right now it sounds wonderful. “But those green dudes! They’re all like bubbly and small but fat and long.”  
Andy tilts their head. “Pickles?”  
“YES! Those! If you have some, please.”  
“Baby can make anything, give her ten minutes.”   
“Five.” Says the disembodied voice.  
“Whoop, sorry, five.” Andy raises their eyebrows and grins cheekily. Uh, they’re so cute my stomach is flipping and my head’s all fuzzy.  
Once I’ve eaten my first real, satisfying meal in months (covered in mustard), Andy reminds me of Ruby.  
“So, um, we’ve lost a lot of people. There’s talk of having a mass funeral, so we can all mourn together. Plus, it’d be efficient. Instead of planning and setting up nearly 20 separate events, we’ll just put it all into one.”  
“What?” I can’t believe they just said that! “’Efficient’? I’m sorry that the deaths of all these people is inconvenient for you, Captain. I’ve just lost everything, I’m in space and I don’t know if I’ll ever see my parents again and you’re worried about ‘planning event’s? What the hell, Andy! I’m done.”  
I storm out of their room still feeling a bit sick, and now betrayed. I was with them until they said ‘efficient’. How insensitive can a person be? That was so rude of Andy to say, and I thought we had a connection…  
Whatever. That’s not even important. What is important is Ruby, and all the others we have lost. I do agree that it would be good for us to grieve as a group, maybe help each other through these feelings.  
Oh my gosh, not again. Where the heck am I now? The Ship is so big…I think I’m lost. I feel suddenly frail, like my expanding lungs will explode with each breath.   
Maybe I should try to find Fin, we can cry about her.  
But where do I start to look for him? Well, the lounge room is right here. I poke my head around the wall to see in. There’s about 10 or so people in here, none of which is Fin. Next is the cafeteria, and he’s not there either. Just a few people looking sullen, no one’s even eating.   
I find Fin in Room B. It’s only him.   
I usually hate people who say ‘knock, knock’ instead of actually knocking, but here I am saying it.  
He flinches faintly and sniffles. “Oh, hey Em. Come in.”  
I approach slowly, unsure of how to treat our vague relationship. “Hi.” I stop a few in front of him.  
Fin looks up me with such effort that I can relate to. His face is all red and puffy and I see the tiredness in his eyes. “I’m exhausted.” He mumbles.   
“Yeah, me too.”  
He bear-hugs me and I hug back, both now sobbing. We stay like this for I don’t know how long, then we drip onto the floor and part, although we keep our shoulders touching.   
“I haven’t been awake for much since…but I miss her like I haven’t seen her for years. Guh, it feels like years since I last saw her.”  
“Blood poisoning. What a way to go.”   
“Yeah, Andy told me.”  
“Yeah well did your girlfriend tell you it was someone here?” Fin says bitterly. “We’re living with her murderer and we don’t know who it is! I need to find him, or I’ll get everyone on this Ship…”  
“Whoa, calm down. We both loved her-“ I stop sharply and correct myself. “We both still love her, we will always love her and she will always love us but do you think that she’d want you to…kill someone for her?”  
Fin glares at me for a few long seconds, and then softens. “She’d call me crazy and throw something at me.”  
“Although secretly she’d probably love the attention, a grand gesture of your love.” I laugh.  
“Yeah.” He settles.  
“Yeah.” We share a sigh. “Well, I mean, we know it’s a Staff member…”  
“…A Med Staff member…”  
“And there’s only 30 of them…”  
“There were 30 when we got on, enough people have died since then to call for a mass funeral.” He corrects me.   
“It’d be easy to deduce who it is; just ask the Meds some questions about MAZ and Haycinth and why they’re here now…hopefully the person we’re after is bad at lying.” I conclude.  
Fin fake slaps my arm. “Did you just help plan a murder?”  
“Maybe so.” I sass, and fake slap him back. “But how would you do the actual murder?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe just smash him over the head with something heavy.” He shrugs. “It wouldn’t be graceful.”  
“What about the body?”  
“Burn it? They deserve to burn.”  
“What if you get caught?” I worry.  
“I’d just kill some more.”  
“What if we get caught?” I stress.  
“We?” Fin asks. “Okay, um, we could…inject him with some of the poison. The same death he gave no doubt countless people…and then he could be one of the bodies we rid at the funeral?”  
“Clever. Why do you assume it’s a guy? Girls can kill people too. Anyone of any gender can murder if they really want.”  
“What?” he squeaks. “Sure, why not.”  
He collapses into laughter.


	14. Chapter Fourteen; Forever

After laughing so hard with Fin I am sick again. He is kind and sweet and gentle but I can see how distressed he is. He doesn’t need to be dealing with this, with me. I tell him he can go, that he doesn’t have to stay, but he doesn’t budge.   
“Besides, Ruby always wanted us to be closer.” He says.  
In between spits and upheavals I say “I’m sure this is not what she had in mind but okay.”   
“Hey, we’re alright, right?”  
“Yeah.” He helps me up to a sink. “Wait, what do you mean?”  
“Like, we are friends, aren’t we?” he fidgets.   
I towel off my wet face. “Of course we are, Fin. I thought we already were, that we have been for ages.”  
“Yeah, yeah. No. But I mean like how you and Ruby were.”  
Oh.   
No, I don’t think I could ever be so close to someone as I was with Ruby. Well, maybe Andy…but I’m mad at them right now.  
What do I say? I don’t want to lie but the truth could brake him right now…what is the truth? We could get there.  
“We will be.” I decide on. It may be the right decision, as he smiles.   
The Ship beeps and Baby tells everyone to go to Area 1.  
“I guess Andy has something else horrible to say.” I complain.  
“What’s that?” Fin asks.  
“They misspoke. We were having a conversation and they said something that set me off. Hopefully, they’ll apologise.” Because honestly I don’t want to be mad at Andy, I love Andy.  
I mean I like them! No! I-uh, Andy is a nice person and I hope to become friends…oh, I’m not even fooling myself. Ah, this sucks.  
There they are, with Mel and Jael behind them again.   
“It has been brought to my attention that our situation calls for a mass funeral. We are nearing a desert planet, Bextarah. It is a dead star and home to many races and species. I have spoken to the King and he is allowing us to stay for one day, 23 hours, actually. So, we will hold our funeral and bury or cremate the bodies as to your wishes, and then we must leave. We are to take nothing, not even sand, back with us. To do so is a crime equivalent to treason. We should be there within the hour. Thankyou.”  
Andy retreats to the Control Room as their audience slowly disperses.   
Fin nudges me. “Emoni?”   
“Yuh.”  
“You don’t look so good; you’re all pale I mean. Maybe you should get checked out by a Med?”  
“Sure. Yeah, okay, I will. Um, I’ll find you later?”  
“Alright.”   
I’m sure Sasha is somewhere close by. When I find her she traps me in a hug.  
“Oh darling, I heard about your friend. I’m so sorry.”   
“Thank you.” I escape her arms. “Um, actually, I haven’t been feeling so good and I know that it’s probably just stress and stuff but I was hoping…”  
“That I could check you out? Make sure you’re alright? Yes, dear, of course I will. Come, come.”   
We hurry to a bed in Med Room 2 where Sasha takes my blood, checks my blood pressure and temperature while the X-ray machine scans me. It beeps, telling her my results.  
She gasps quietly. “Emoni, ah, you’re entirely healthy. You’re great. One might even say you’re glowing.”  
Pah, I don’t feel glowing. “But, I’ve thrown up so much, surely I have a cold, or-or a stomach bug?”  
“Kind of.” She Sasha squeaks, her smile growing. “You’re pregnant.”  
“WHAT? HOW? No, I’m not! Check again.” The scan must be wrong, there’s no way I could be pregnant.  
It beeps again and Sasha looks at me differently this time. “I’m sorry, but it says you are. I see you’re not as excited as I thought you’d be. I guess for most women this is a good thing.”  
“But I’m hardly a woman! I can’t take of myself, how am I supposed to have a baby?”   
“You just have to love it. It will be fine, I promise. I’ll be here whenever you need, and I’m sure Andy will help out, too.”   
I don’t believe this; I can’t believe this is happening. It’s just one thing after another and another and why can’t I just have a day where nothing happens? One uneventful day is all I need.  
I can’t have a baby! I can’t raise a human!  
“Okay, but I can’t have a baby. I can’t get all big and stuff…I can’t give birth. What if I can’t give birth? With…” all that down there; what The Silent Man did to me.  
Oh my shit. The Silent Man impregnated me. I thought he was in my past, but he made sure he would always be with me – always torturing me. He gave me this…sickness.  
My breath catches and I hiccup, trying not to cry. “Can we…abort it?” I sniffle.  
“Oh, Emoni,” Sasha scolds. “No!”  
“Why not? Is it illegal here? Wait a minute, we’re in space; everything’s legal.”   
“There are so many people who want children but can’t have them, myself included. And here you are; ready to end a life, ready to take away someone’s chance at happiness. How can you even think of it?”  
“Get out of my face!” I stand up. “You don’t know the shit that I’ve been through, what’s in my head. And after all your time at MAZ? Don’t act like you’re so much better than me.” With that, I storm out in a rage – this is the maddest I’ve ever been.   
I don’t even know where I’m going. I’m just walking fast, headed for nowhere in particular. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this baby.   
“Attention; we are about to come into Bextarah’s gravity in 5 minutes. Please brace yourself for a rough entry.”  
My head is reeling as I make a decision. I walk with determination, turning into the cafeteria. My eyes catch the glinting of a knife - the knife that I will use to end myself.   
A small, unassuming blade. The only remarkable thing it will ever do is kill me. It has been waiting a many life-time to meet its destiny. A cold steel kiss lands on my wrist. This is it.  
I precisely trace a green vein with the sharp tip. It’s so fascinating, nearly hypnotising watching the skin split. A soft, slow sting dawdles along my arm.   
I feel so pure.  
This is the realest, richest form of me.  
The Ship suddenly jerks and I tumble down on the kitchen floor, my stomach wrenching. I hear rumbling and grumbling; loud crashes. The Ship’s metal roars as if it’s being teared apart, pulled away.   
Fuzzy shapes dance in front of me and when I look down I struggle to see that I’m in a pool of blood. The knife is now wedged in my arm. I can sense that sleep is on its way – hopefully a deep dark sleep that will never let me wake.   
***  
Dammit.   
I’m in a Med Room. I didn’t die. Why didn’t I die? I should have died.  
Andy’s hand is holding mine.  
“Why am I here?” I say angrily.  
“I found you on the floor in the cafeteria. You were covered in blood. Do you remember that?”  
“Yes, I do. I don’t think I could forget it if I tried.”  
“Did someone do this to you? Was it an accident? H-how did this happen?” they beg.  
I huff as I sit up. “It was me. I did it to myself.”   
“What?” Andy sobs. “Why?”  
“Why not?”  
They gasp quietly. “Emoni, you have everything to live for. You’re only 18! There’s whole lives ahead of you; you just have to choose one.”  
“Lives of what? Further misery and torment and stupid decisions?”  
“Life is a battle, and you have to prove to Life that you can do it, that you’re stronger than anything it throws at you.” Andy says with tears in their eyes. “Yeah, Life is hard and you will face more struggles, but it can also get better if you just believe that you can prove Life wrong.”  
Sniffling, I say, “What? So I’m just supposed to stay stubborn enough not to let Life win?”  
“No,” they shake their head. “You let curiosity overcome the desire to give up. Be curious about what futures you can make.”   
Andy sighs, and I’m so grateful for their breath, their own life, and that it is a part of mine.  
“Will you be in my future?” I speak slowly, deliberately bringing myself closer to them.  
I see that they, too, are moving in to me. Shifting the hospital pillows to better prop myself up, I focus on Andy’s lips as they say “For as long as you want me to.”  
“Forever, then.”   
I feel them smiling as our lips dance together.  
We share much more than just a kiss; it’s everything that lead up to this. It’s how they make me feel even when we’re apart, it’s how they make me feel about myself. It’s how happy I am to think about us.   
Even though I don’t have make-out instincts, my hand reaches up to the back of their head with the intention of grabbing some hair to smash our faces together harder.   
I laugh and Andy pulls back to ask what’s up. They do not look amused when I say “I just remembered you’re bald.”  
“What?”  
I push at the base of their neck ‘til our noses touch.  
“Oh.” A menacing look in their eyes accompanies a cheeky smile. Going in for another kiss, my hair is bunched by long fingers and held tightly in Andy’s hand. They guide me gently, which is sweet, but…I want something more.  
“Ahem, Captain Andy, everything’s prepared.”  
Andy tears themselves away from me, looking embarrassed that Baby, an A.I, caught us.  
“Yes, thank you, Baby. I’ll be out in a minute.” Staring at me, the shock drips off their face, replaced by sorrow.  
“What’s prepared?” I ask.  
“We’re on Bextarah. We’re nearly ready for the funeral. I’m going to give two hours’ notice so the people can all get ready.”   
“Oh,” I nod. “Okay.”  
“It will be as formal as possible, there are clothes in all the bedrooms. I’m sure there’s enough black for us all.”  
I gulp. “Ruby never wanted anyone to black to her funeral. She always said ‘wear something bright, so that I might see you from wherever I am’.”   
“Oh, that’s sweet. Well, should I say the dress code is semi-formal? Colourful?”  
“Yeah. I haven’t really established a bed – or a room- yet though, so- “  
“You can have a look through my clothes, and you can stay in my room, if you want.”  
“Whoa, we just had our first kiss, now we’re moving in together?” I joke.  
“Only if you don’t like the other rooms- “  
“It’s okay, I was joking! Andy,” I take their hand. “I was only joking. I’d like that. Very much.”  
“Well, I’d love it.”


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Here I Am

Andy announced the funeral plans and added in my request about dressing colourfully while I had a shower. I then rummaged through the clothes in their bedroom. Mostly unisex, but with specifically gendered items to their own wardrobes. I pick out a gold dress that I know Ruby would love and it fits me pretty well. I had to look in other rooms for shoes my size – high heels the same colour as the dress, thankfully, but my main worry is how long I can last in them.   
A short while later Baby gives us a reminder of the time, it starts in 45 minutes. While I’m alone in Andy’s room – our room? - Baby congratulates me personally at the end of the announcement.  
“How did- “  
“I know everything about everyone on board. Well, data that the Med Machines submit. Also, I am in every room at all times, I hear things.”  
Well, I guess I can’t really be mad at a program. “Oh. I don’t know if it’s a thing to celebrate. I guess, since Sasha won’t let me abort…I’m going to have to have this kid, aren’t I?” I ask grimly.  
It’s a few seconds before Baby answers. “I’m sorry, Emoni. But, she is right; her personal beliefs aside, the procedure is illegal not only in space but also aboard Ships.”  
“The things they did to me in MAZ were illegal.” Spoken out loud, this seems like a very ‘she-hit-me-first-so-i-hit-back’ response.  
“The good guys have to fight fair, Em.”  
Are we the ‘Good Guys’?  
“Andy’s on their way here. Check in later.”  
The door opens and Andy walks in wearing a silver tunic with pale blue leggings or tights and…they actually look kinda good. Or maybe I’m just thinking that because Andy is a ‘Good Gu’- ‘Person’. ‘Cyborg’?  
“Hey.” I take their outreached hand and pull us into a hug.   
“Hey.” I speak into their shoulder. The shoes I’m wearing make us about the same height now. As good as this hug is, I know it can’t last forever.  
“Andy, there is somewhat of a scene outside, you’re needed immediately.”  
“Okay, Baby, thanks.” To me they say “You should probably wait here. I’ll come get you when everything’s settled.”  
Once they leave the room I ask Baby what’s happening.  
“I’m not permitted to tell you that. Perhaps when you and Andy become closer you will gain more authority regarding the Ship and myself; most of the Escapees think you’re their leader.”  
‘“Saviour’.” I correct. “I should probably work out what I’m going to say for Ruby…”  
I don’t wait very long until Andy comes in with two other people behind them. I know that they’re not from the Ship just by looking at their clothes.   
The shorter of the two is covered entirely by a commonplace black hooded cloak, with her face the only skin on display. Her skin is extraordinary; sprinkled with the most gorgeous markings I have ever seen. Surely not scars, for they are so black they look painted onto her tawny skin, which adds drama to her blue eyes.   
The other one is similar to Andy’s build. She is wearing a midi dress the same reddish-copper shade as her long, thick hair, which is tied into a cute but messy bun. A dark blue chain runs across her left cheek to the left ear, startling against her soft chestnut skin. Silver and blue gems form her eyebrows and frames her golden eyes.  
“Emoni, I’d like you to meet Devinia,” -the smaller woman curtseys- “and Jaala.” The bejewelled one nods humbly. “They have been wandering the desert here, lost for weeks. When we came across you, some of the people setting up got…-”  
“Territorial.” Jaala puts forward with a slight eye roll.  
“Defensive.” Andy revises. “I explained to them the sensitivity of the situation right now, and of course they don’t want to cause any trouble. They’re tired, and hungry, so I decided to let them use our facilities.”  
“And I would like to assist in some way,” says Devinia. “to show our appreciation for your kindness.”  
Andy turns to me. “Would you like to join me in giving them a tour of the Ship?”  
“Sure.” Better than sitting alone with my feelings.  
We guide them to the kitchen where they apologise for eating sloppily, then we take them past the bedrooms and down to the Med Room where we meet Sasha.  
While Devinia and Jaala have gone to take showers, and Andy has left momentarily to go check something in the control room with Baby, they’ve left me waiting with Sasha.  
“I’m sorry for my outburst, before.” I apologise.  
She hugs me and says “No, Emoni, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve said what I did.”  
“Well, neither should I. People can change, and sometimes I forget that I have to let them.”  
“Oh, darling, thank you, but I still shouldn’t’ve pushed my opinions on you.” She squeezes tightly to end the hug and lets me go.  
“So we’re both really sorry, we’ll just leave it at that.” I laugh.  
“Yeah.” Sasha agrees. “I really am sorry that you have to deal with this now. And my attitude wouldn’t’ve helped.”  
“It’s okay, my own attitude isn’t making things any better. I’m just…stuck. I feel like I’m stuck in a timeless, lengthless loop of like 3 or 4 specific moments where I just felt horrible, and it keeps replaying. And I can’t focus on one thing because all these stupid feelings are connected, so I have to feel them all at 100% all the time but there’s too many emotions so in the end I just feel numb.”  
Wow, where did that come from? I mean it is the truth, it is exactly what I’m feeling but saying it out loud feels like my mouth is betraying my heart.  
“Oh, sweetheart! I can’t imagine what that’s like…I don’t know wat to say; I’m sorry.” She bows her head and we both stay silent for a long few seconds.  
“I could offer you some antidepressants?” Sasha suggests, to my surprise. “To dial down the intensity of how you feel emotions so strongly. I’m sure I could also find something to help with pregnancy pains.”  
“That sounds like a plan. Thanks.”  
Just as I think ‘how long does it take to have a shower?’ Jaala enters the room, dressed in our plain pyjamas.  
“Hmm, that was very refreshing. Thank you again for letting us in.”  
“Oh, it’s no problem, really.” Sasha nods.  
Jaala smiles shyly. Her not-quite-red hair sticks in places on her face and down her neck, not yet dry. The jewels on her face haven’t budged despite the water, or she’s re-applied them. Jaala notices me noticing them.  
“They represent my rank in the Royal Guard.” Her eyes widen as if she said something she shouldn’t have.  
“Do you and Devinia work together for the Bexley Family?” I ask.  
Jaala clears her throat and shifts on her feet. “Yes.”  
“Cool.” I attempt lamely.  
“That’s how we met, actually.” Devinia chimes in, hugging Jaala from behind. She is also wearing the pyjamas, with her own gloves added.   
I see Jaala blush at the affection.   
“Well,” I say. “You have come at a rather difficult time. I’ve got a funeral to go to. We all do, really. But you two please feel free to stay inside and rest.” I’m so not ready for this, I think, walking away.  
This has been a nice distraction, but now it’s time to head back to the real world, which blinds me as I step out of the Ship for the first time. This is my first time seeing the sun from a real dirt ground and it’s not even mine-my sun, my dirt, my ground-not that Earth’s sun ever actually existed as we thought it did.   
Purple-red sand stretches out in front of me in all directions, miles and miles of nothing but desert dunes. Adjusting to the three suns in this new sky, it becomes apparent why the sand is such a strange colour; the first and biggest sun is yellow, the second in size is blue and the last is a soft brown.  
So, this is Bextarah; the final resting place of my best friend. And nameless others. Stepping off from the Ship’s ramp and onto the planet’s surface, I see pretty much everyone from the Ship dressed in mostly fun and bright colours – a real shock to our surroundings.   
Andy’s volunteers had come out here once we had landed to organise and arrange a set. There are mounds of varying-body-sized dirt displayed in a diamond shape underneath a large white banner held up by poles at each end. The banner has a sweet and simple pattern on it. In the middle of the diamond stands a sign that I can’t read from this distance. Chairs are scattered unevenly between where I currently stand and the rest of the Ship’s occupants.   
The shoes I’m wearing were definitely not made for walking, I decide as I take carefully small steps to try and avoid sinking in the soft sand. I set my aim for the gathering crowd of mourners. I’m nearly there when the group starts murmuring and staring at the Ship. I look back behind me to Devinia and Andy coming down the ramp. The others may be disgruntled by Devinia, but I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see Andy.  
Instead of walking towards them I stay put, with my arms open to Andy. They gently hug me when they reach me, and I feel suddenly fragile, as if the hug will break me.  
Devinia whispers something in Andy’s ear, they nod, and I can’t help but feel something…like sadness, but different. Devinia bravely walks through the mass of funeral-goers and stops just before the first unmarked grave.   
I watch attentively as the young woman gets to her knees. I can only see her back from here, but her shoulders rise slowly and her back straightens and I can tell she’s taking a deep breath. Is she meditating?  
Larkspurs burst from the ground instantly in front of her, with rubies surrounding the stems. More pop up at the foot of each sand coffin and I hear some people gasp. I notice that my mouth is wide open when my throat gets painfully dry. I rub my eyes and scrunch up my whole face and when I look forward again there are only more flowers and gems.   
Devinia is now standing with her arms raised above her head like a conductor. They grow their way up the poles sparsely and the red stones from the ground are replaced with black and gold ribbons. Once the banner has been decorated, she comes close to the ground once again and spins herself in a slow circle. The rubies have returned with the light purple plants and are closing a circle around the diamond graves.  
She seems to have finished and we are all stunned silent, in the best of ways. I don’t know how to begin to understand what I just witnessed, but it was beautiful and magnificent.   
Andy turns to me with a small smile. “The larkspurs are for Ruby. And, of course, the rubies.”   
“Thank you.” I nod.  
“I better start, then.” They say, and I follow Andy to where Devinia still stands in front of everyone. Andy goes up to the sign in the middle of the small mountains as Devinia takes the seat next to the one I choose.   
I nervously say “Thank you for that, it was amazing and it really means a lot. You didn’t have to come out here, but I’m glad you did.”  
“It was my pleasure.” She says sweetly in reply.  
“If everyone would please settle down.” Andy asks clearly. There aren’t enough seats for everyone so some people remain standing. “Thank you all. I need to be honest and admit that I myself have never been to a funeral, much less officiated one. I don’t know many of these people as well as I would have liked, but you all do. Did. All I know is that as long as they last in our hearts, they will continue to exist, and always be with us. I’m going to open it up for anyone to come up here and say what you feel you need to say; to honour our friends, remember them. Share your fallen with those of us still living. Tell us about them, say goodbye to them.” Andy ends with a not-quite-out-of-place “Thank you” and walks straight to me.  
It's horribly silent for a few seconds, and I expect a cough or sneeze from an elderly person, or a baby to start crying. But no noise comes, which makes me antsy.  
Okay, fine, whatever, I’ll do it. I’ll go. My brain understands it but my feet don’t. “Andy.” I whisper, and they give me a little nudge forward, which puts me in motion. I don’t think about the journey from my seat to the sign, but I somehow weave through the bumps of disturbed ground without tripping over. I really don’t like public speaking, I don’t even like people. But I know that this is not about me, and it’s even about Ruby. Funerals are for the people the dead leave behind. It’s for us to process...or some shit.  
“Here I am.”


	16. The End of Chapter Fifteen; Not An Ending

“Here I am.”  
I say below my breath as I look at all the faces. Some people are crying, some aren’t. Amongst the weeping there are loud criers and soft snifflers. There are blondes, brunettes. People with light hair, people with dark hair. Long, short, none at all. Some obviously dyed. And then I see Fin, who locks my eyes. He stands up sharply, and before I know it, he’s beside me.  
“Hey.” He puts his arm around my middle in a sideways hug that isn’t really a hug, more of a ‘hey-I’m-here-if-you-need-a-literal-shoulder-to-cry-on’, because the boy has big shoulders. It’s not weird, just comforting.  
“Hi.” I say back to him, loud enough for everyone to hear, not addressed to anyone in particular. “I guess you all know me by now. I don’t like ‘The Saviour.’ I’m ‘Emoni.’ Ruby knew me as ‘Em’, and I know that’s me. I’m here for my best friend, my ‘Sista Gurl’,” my voice squeaks on that last word. “Her name was-“ Fin makes a slight noise at that past-tense choice of word- “Ruby Newell. And she was brighter than the Earth’s fake sun.”   
A small laugh at that.   
“She was like my sun anyway. Everyone gravitated towards her, and she brightened up every room. And Ruby, Gurl, this is gonna sound so cheesy but you brightened me, too. I didn’t know anything about myself until you choose me to be your friend.” The tears are flowing now and I can’t stop. “You introduced me to me. And you taught me how to be your friend, and…I’ve heard other people say that loosing someone this close to you feels like a limb has been chopped off, and they have to learn how to walk again or something. Metaphorically.”  
“But, Rubes, I feel like I’m missing half of my brain and I’ve been walking around this Ship that I’m not familiar with and I just always have the feeling that I’ve forgotten something important. And I think to myself ‘oh I should check my pockets for my phone, wallet, keys’ and like we used to and then before I do I seem to remember that ‘I’ve left it Ruby’s bag’ like we used to because I always put all my stuff in your bag because you always had a bag and then I realise…that your bag isn’t there. Because you aren’t. You aren’t here anymore, Ruby. And I don’t ever want the other half of my brain to heal; I don’t want to forget you, or move on. Our friendship has been the biggest part of me and I don’t know how- “   
No, that’s it, I’m done. I can hardly breathe, and there’s that feeling of being physically crushed by sadness and I don’t want to move but at the same time I need to lay down and just let it take me. Fin turns me around to him and hugs me so tight that I fear if he ever lets me go I’ll fall apart; his arms are keeping me together. Just as I bury my face in him, other hands are taking me to them, I feel like a baby being passed between two parents trying not to wake it up.  
From one body to another, my whole self shakes from heavy sobbing. It’s the kind of hard crying that feels like you could drown in your own chesty sorrow. “Ruby there’s so much I have to tell you.” I bawl thickly. I’ll never again hear her advice, wanted or unwanted, helpful or unhelpful. I’ll never hear her voice again, and I can’t rely on memory. When that goes, who will I have? No one but myself. I don’t want myself.  
Everything has been moving so fast since Andy last opened my cell door. But now, seeing all these people in mass mourning, everything has stopped. Everything is still. And I feel as if nothing will ever start again, as if there’s no moving forward from this. Time seems to have frozen, if just for a little while; I may as well take advantage of this opportunity to join the huddled group and cry until I’m physically empty.  
I try not to think about her parents, or my parents for that matter, but they just show up in my mind. And my brother, Lowen; he started all of this. It’s all his fault. My best friend, who was closer to me than my brother ever was, is now dead because of him.   
But he was only a kid. A baby. I need someone to blame. Anyone but me. Andy holds me tighter and with more love, and we start swaying ever so slightly. Fin seems determined to hold a strong voice.  
“I’m Fin Astin, probably none of you know me, but I was, uh, Ruby’s boyfriend. And I’m pretty sure I’m the only boyfriend that Em ever approved of.” He’s trying. “And yeah we hassle each other a bit, used to, but that’s how Ruby knew that the 3 of us, we were cool. And it’ll never be the 3 of us again…Ruby was going to be my baby’s step-mum, well she was, actually. And now my baby will never know her, and she’ll never know the baby.”   
“Ruby, I love you so much and I’ll never stop loving you.”  
He clears his throat and walks away from the sign we’re treating as a lectern podium. When he places a hand on my arm in a gesture of comfort, Ray Gibson stands up.   
“I didn’t know any of these people, but I’m sure they’d be proud of us all coming together like this. And I don’t really many of you either, but I’m really thankful that we can do something like this. We can support each other as we’re experiencing the same things. None of us have to be alone. And I feel so lucky that I’m no longer alone.”  
He sits back down and some people clap scatteredly. I thought I could do this, stay for all of them, but I feel so physically tight and pressured and I’m sure my head’s about to explode.   
“Andy, I think I’m going inside now.” They take me to their room and I shlump on the bed. Andy gently unbuckles my shoes and I feel so tired and drunk with emotion that I say “Andy, I think I like you.”   
“Well, I hope so, otherwise what are we doing dancing around each other?” Wait, what did they just say?   
“Are…are we a Thing now?” I ask  
“Thing?”  
“Like, really, really, really good friends.”  
“Yes.”  
“No, I mean, like really close friends.”  
“I like to think that I’m close friends with everyone.” Oh, they’re so cute, I love them.  
“I want to be your girlfriend.” Holy shit, I’m so tired. What am I doing? “I want to be yours, and for you to be mine and only mine, and I want to hug you and touch you and-“  
Kiss you. Andy’s kissing me. Actually kissing me and I can’t wrap my mind around it as I wrap my lips around theirs. This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted, and I can’t wait to tell Ruby.  
Nooooo, dammit.  
I pull away even though it’s the last thing I want. Andy brings their arms down from around my neck and wipes some tears of my cheeks.  
“I’m sorry, I thought that’s what you wanted.” They say guiltily.  
“No!” I blurt. “I mean, yes, yes that’s so what I wanted but there’s just too much going on right now. And my first instinct is to go tell Ruby everything that’s happening but then…I can’t. And there’s a whole lot of stuff I need to get out and she was the best listener and…”  
Andy breathes out slowly. “I’m a good listener.” Their glowing silver eyes hold me and I know I’m home, that Andy is my new home. But I don’t want to lose this like I’ve lost everything else, don’t’ want to scare them away.  
“Okay,” I start. “In MAZ, you know The Silent Man…did stuff. You know he abused me.” Andy nods solemnly, probably feeling ashamed. “Well, uh, I’m…” I don’t know how to say it so I’ll just say it; “I’m pregnant.”  
Andy stiffens and shock takes hold of their face. “It’ll be okay. You’ve recovered very well and you’re pretty healthy. You’ll be fine.”  
“I’m not worried about the actual pregnancy…I actually asked Sasha if I could abort but…”  
“Oh.” Andy understands.  
“The birth part isn’t even the worst. Like, obviously it’s going to suck, but I’m not scared of having a baby. I’m scared of raising a kid. I mean, I’m still a kid myself. And I’ve never had any experience with kids or babies, and I never wanted one of my own! Kids are horrible and babies are so needy! Even if I love it I know I’m going to hate it. The kid.”  
“You can’t say that; you can’t see the future.”  
“But I already hate it. Just knowing that The Silent Man did this to me…I would’ve preferred an STI. I can’t have a kid-and I can’t have his kid. A rape baby. That’s what it’ll be. That’s what it is. I can feel the evil growing inside me.”’  
“Babies aren’t evil. At the moment, it’s a bunch of cells. It can’t do you any harm.”  
I know this, but my feelings overrule logic. “I don’t want The Silent Man’s kid…how am I supposed to move forward from him? To be a mother to a reminder of something horrible…”  
“I know someone who would like to be a mother.” Andy thinks aloud.   
“Adoption?”  
Andy addresses Baby, “Please send Med Staff Last up here.”  
“I will inform her.”  
Whose last name is Last?


End file.
